A Not-Very-Definitive Guide To Becoming A Mature Adult

Words by Jenna Morrissey

Since turning twenty-five, there are few things I love more than being condescending to everyone younger than me. Why is this? Am I bitter? Possibly.

Now although getting older is inevitable, there is a fine art when it comes to maturing. And let me tell you, I am fucking crushing it.

Weather-chat. Sensible grocery lists. Camomile tea before bed. Lock in answer D, because I am participating in all of the above. That being said, I’ll admit there’s a thing or two even I need to learn before I can consider myself a fully-fledged, well-rounded, mature adult. And some of these I can’t learn soon enough.

When I Stop Speaking in Slang

I use the word ‘stop’ here loosely, and the word ‘loosely’ there even more loosely, as I have no real intention to ever stop saying “noice.” I’d just like to finish a meeting without asking if my colleagues can “dig it.”

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When I Learn to Drink Responsibly

Where responsible drinkers direct their barrels of anger and hatred, I don’t know. But it’s a responsibility I need to learn.

I’m not talking ‘pretty sure I’m still cool to drive’ responsible, either. I’m talking ‘three weeks have passed without one reflux of gin and what’s most likely to be lamb kebab climbing up my throat on a Wednesday morning’ responsible.

Maybe even one day, my reflux will taste like truffle oil instead. That would be great.

When I Can Be Truthful in Job Interviews

I could write the book on lying in interviews. I’d call it Lying Your Way to the Top: I’d Like to See You Try And Sleep Your Way There.

Any skill, every award, I’ve got it. I know every homeless person in my 30km vicinity by name because I have, personally, in person, volunteered to make sure they’re safe and well fed. And don’t even ask me about that ‘I ran the London marathon and all I got was this bumper sticker’ bumper sticker. So embarrassing! I’m not like an athlete or anything! I just do it for charity.

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So what if it’s a complete fabrication of who I am and I have absolutely no intention of ever becoming that person? Eventually I’ll achieve enough over my career that I’ll have genuine skills and awards to discuss in interviews.

I’m never run a fucking marathon though.

When I Stop Living Weekend to Weekend

They say every day is a gift. But some days are an out-of-date $20 Coles gift card that you’re like, “I don’t even remember receiving this in the first place.” Then you kind of get that pang of mild disappointment, so if anything you’d probably rather you’d just never even found it in the first place.

That is essentially my entire week.

So it’s safe to say I need fulfilling life duties that sprinkle themselves into each day. Getting a family, for example, or meal planning. At this point I’ll even consider getting emotionally invested in watching The Block.

When I Not Only Watch, But Also Understand, Interstellar

Yeah I know you understood it the first time you watched it, but who the fuck do you think you are?!

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When I Make Life Decisions That Aren’t Based on Spite

When it comes to good advice, I’m not your gal. But what I will say is, if you don’t know where you want to end up in life, the best path to start on is one that sounds cool – or at least sounds better than whatever that dick you dated for a month or so does.

Does being an investor sound like a better job than mine? More esteemed? On one hand, he plays with money. That’s kind of cool. But it’s just other people’s money, right? Would I even be happy doing that? Do I even need to be happy?

When I Stop Picking The Skin Next to My Fingernails to the Point Where It Feels Like I’ve Definitely Hit Bone

Honestly I would actually be happy if I just managed this one.
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Feature image: The EvoLLLution

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