Old people are fucking hardcore.
Say what you will about the bumbling geriatrics of the world – with their adult diapers and their giant message fonts – but when mankind inevitably shits the bed and brings about the apocalypse, I’ll be legging it for the nearest retirement home. I want someone who can knit, and bake, and read a map. I want someone who can fend off a hissing throng of serpents with household tools and not even bat an eyelid.
More specifically, I think, I want Mrs Newby.
Mrs Newby’s probably your run-of-the-mill 72-year-old. I bet she loves her crosswords and thinks Burt Reynolds is “very handsome”. One thing she absolutely does not love is snakes. That is beyond speculation: it is fact. It is a fact that was very demonstrably proven last Friday, when Mrs Newby massacred a near-dozen of the slithery little shits at her home in Oklahoma.
It was her neighbour, Susan Thompson, who first caught a glimpse of Mrs Newby – now dubbed the “snake killer” – with 11 dead copperheads spread out on the ground around her. The 72-year-old Nanageddon had used a shotgun, a shovel and a rake to dispatch the reptilian horde.
“Mrs Newby killed 11 copperheads last night at her house ! She’s a snake killer if you need help call her ! She is 72 years old!” Thompson wrote in a Facebook post. Thompson also added that Mrs Newby, whose thirst for serpent blood is apparently insatiable, planned to “sit outside last night and wait for some more”.
By Sunday, a total of 17 snakes had been slain.
When the darkness cometh, Mrs Newby will save us all.
Source & image: Fox News
Feature image: Pinterest
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