Yes, it’s that time of year again: when every publication worth its salt starts rolling out their definitive end-of-year lists. And depending on how you look at it, 2017 was either a very good year or a very bad year for humanity-at-large’s anal cavity.
On the one hand, our tireless effort to stimulate the anus with everyday bits n’ bobs seems to have continued in earnest. Over the past 12 months people around the world found all kinds of weird and wonderful objects to put into their bums. But many of those objects also found their way past the point of no return, and what in most cases started out as a bit of harmless sexual pioneering inevitably ended in an awkward trip to the emergency room.
Thankfully, a US medical journal has released some illuminating ER data on all the things human beings inserted into their bodies this year. And, because we know you care, we’ve cut straight to the orifice of interest: the arsehole.
So here’s a list of things people stuck up their arses in 2017:
1. Golf Ball
Straight off the bat what we have here is something that you should never even put within the vicinity of your rear-end. These things are quite literally designed to disappear into small holes, and are probably just the right size to get jammed into the most loosened of sphincters. Easy on, Tiger.
2. Peanut Butter Jar
3. Spray Bottle
4. Curtain Rod
5. “Stuck a toy up his rectum because he thought he was constipated.”
Image: ABC News
So Metamucil is a thing. MicraLAX: that’s a thing. There is in fact a cornucopia of non-invasive medicines and treatments that any licensed doctor might recommend if you were to tell them you’re feeling a little bit blocked up. Sticking a toy up your rectum is decidedly not one of them, for reasons that probably don’t need to be explained. You’d do just as well using He-Man to unclog the fatberg in your shower drain.
7. Toothbrush Holder
8. Floss Container
9. Mouthwash Bottle
10. “At a party having fun with his male friends when one put a shot glass up his rectum.”
Yeah tha boiz, get a shot glass up your arse LOL! Classic!
11. Small Wooden Knick-Knack
13. Plastic Fork
14. Toy Missile
This one is neither outrageous nor particularly creative on the part of the anal masturbator. If there’s one thing to be learned from the 14 items above, it’s that randy humans can turn the least kinky objects in the world – like fucking dental floss – into objects of sexual gratification. But show me someone who looks at a toy missile and doesn’t see a polyurethane foam cock, and I’ll show you a liar.
15. Plastic Vibrating Dildo – “Can not turn off”
16. “Attempted to dislodge a dildo from his anus using a letter opener.”
17. Cigar Tube – “To relieve hemorrhoids”
Bepanthen; Sudocrem; Hem-Care. Please refer back to Number 5.
18. “Feeling lonely, used a mascara container in plastic bag, put in rectum.”
19. Tin Cup
I just found out that ‘Tin Cup’ is actually the name of a 1996 rom-com about a washed up former golf prodigy, starring Kevin Costner and Rene Russo. It looks like it could be a pretty racy film, and there’s at least a small chance that surgeons extracted an actual VHS tape from this patient’s rectum, sighed, and said “It’s that damn Tin Cup film again.” I think there’s a small chance of that. But we’re also probably just talking about an actual tin cup here.
20. Hair Brush
21. “Was drinking with friends and ‘got to experimenting,’ air freshener container stuck in anus.”
23. A Large Bottle Of Shampoo
Maybe it’s Maybelline.
24. “Sat in bathtub and felt something go into her anus.”
25. Cat Food Can
26. Bag of Oral Tobacco
27. “Water bottle in rectum, does this to reduce anxiety.”
There were plenty of reasons to be anxious in 2017. But let me tell you, with the utmost conviction, that jamming a water bottle so far up your arse that you literally need to go to the emergency room to have it removed is not doing anything for your stress levels. Do yoga, meditate, talk to a mental health professional. At the very least, just put the tip in.
28. 3 AA Batteries
29. 2 AAA Batteries
30. D Battery
31. “Patient said I have a coin in my ass from a month ago.”
Not sure if the patient is talking about the doctor’s ass or his own ass here. In any case: no place for a coin.
HONORARY MENTION for the guy who thought it’d be a good idea to shaft a fidget spinner; the poor sod who got drunk and had an eel slither up his tush; and, of course, the incredibly insensitive porn studio who thought “Hey, what if we used a didgeridoo as a sex toy?”
See you next year guys!
Source and feature image: Adequate Man
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