Dick Smith Wants To Replace Tony Abbott

Not content with being appointed companion to the Order of Australia, which is a really important honour that no one actually knows about, Aussie legend Dick Smith has announced his intention to dethrone Tony Abbott.

Citing concerns for Australia’s aviation industry, Dick Smith said he may contend the Prime Minister’s seat in Warringah, Sydney, bringing about an electoral battle full of genital euphemisms.

Forgetting his exceptional wealth and notoriety, Dick Smith represents the underdog in this electoral race. Unlike the Rhode scholar Tony Abbott, Smith dropped out of school at the ripe age of 15, going on to work in an electrical factory before establishing his highly successful store franchise. In what is the walking definition of a self made man, Dick Smith, went on to sell his electronics empire, which he started with only $610 in the bank, and pursue other philanthropic duties. On top of his fundraising role for the children’s charity Variety, where he collected over $200 million in 30 years, Smith was also the head of the Civil Aviation Safety Authority.

It appears his love for flying would form a centrepiece of his election bid with Smith calling on the government to update the country’s radar system. Currently, planes flying under 8500 feet use radio to avoid mid-air collisions – a system that has been in place since the 1930’s. Despite promising to update this system to a fancy thing called ‘radar’, the Abbott government has yet to make any moves, thus making Mr Smith one angry Dick.

Speaking to ABC, Dick said that unless Australia’s radar system is updated “people will die” which actually makes for a fantastic election slogan. ‘Vote for Dick Smith or people will die’ certainly has a ring to it.

But there are challenges. Firstly, Tony Abbott has comfortably held onto the conservative Warringah seat since 1994, giving Mr Smith a dick-all chance of winning. Also there are concerns that an Abbott vs Smith ballot paper would confuse the average Australian, with many being unsure which candidate the name ‘Dick’ actually refers to.

Until Dick Smith steps up to the plate, we can only fantasize about what such a campaign would look like. Who knows, one day the residents of Warringah may actually have a reason to draw a big dick on their ballot papers.
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Words by Dominic Cansdale. Photo via Adelaide Now.

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