Things I Think About Your Zany Bow Tie

Some people wear bow ties. They just do. Some people wear normal ties. Sometimes those people then do other normal things, like take them off before they go out to a nightclub. But other guys? Well, other guys go home, eat spaghettio’s for dinner, then put a white button up on and say things like “you gon’ get some tonight” to themselves in the mirror. Before they go back downstairs to slam one last lukewarm UDL, they take a moment. They stare back at themselves in the mirror. And then it hits them.

The obnoxious bow tie. That’s exactly what this normal outfit needs.

Let’s call this guy Jed. “Ahh, classic made up name,” you’re thinking. Well, you’re wrong. Just like Jed was when he didn’t fasten that thing tight enough around his neck. Jed’s my ex-boyfriends name. Fuck you, Jed.

Bow Tie Jed makes his way down and his parents – being parents of a Gen Y child – give him praise for looking like a wanker. The ‘bois’ do too. “Classic Jed!” one yells as another YEEHAWs loud enough to wake nan. “Fuck her,” Jed says, booming with the kind of confidence only a decretive pastel blue noose can give you. “Seriously but,” one guy says, pulling Jed slightly to the side. “L.O.V.E the bowie,” the friend smiles. Yeah, you have a friend who calls your bowtie a ‘Bowie’. And I bet if you asked the kid who David Bowie was he’d tell you he didn’t watch Seinfield.

Regardless, that’s enough for Jed to know he’s made the right decision. Tonight’s gon’ be alright. Jed hits the club. The music’s pumpin. Jed’s groovin’. A girl’s looking at him. She’s looking at him. She’s looking at his bow tie. She’s wondering. She’s wondering why? She wonderin’ why he think he fly with such a stupid ass bow tie.

But seriously, my collated thoughts when I see Jed and people like Jed are a blender of nonsensical rubbish, confusion and pain. They’re judgmental and I’m a sack of shit, but you should know that already. I wonder if he’s ever thought, “Yeah, nah, this isn’t a Blue Light Disco.” What sort of New Years Resolutions do people like that have? Has he ever tried to pull a Channing Tatum and left the bowtie on during a one-night stand? Does he wash that thing?

So many questions. So few answers.