Australia knows how to celebrate it’s heroes. Whether it’s sinking a couple of bevvies at the RSL and idolising past and present sports stars, or clumsily thanking the legend who gave you a piece of gum at the club when you were chomping harder than a hungry hippo, we know how to appreciate the good in the world. With a culture that celebrates the diligent hard worker, it’s baffling that one of the very best doesn’t get the respect it deserves.
I’m talking, of course, about the tinnie. Beer cans, tins, aluminum boats, god’s nectar, liquid joy, whatever you want to call it, tinnies are without a doubt one of Australia’s unsung heroes. Let’s assess a few reasons why the tinnie deserves your utmost respect, and probably a national holiday as well.
Have you ever had to lug around bottled beer at a party? It sucks. They’re a fairly awkward shape, can shatter if not handled with care and warm up quicker than a mosh at a music festival. The glorious tin fixes all these issues by being one of the most versatile beverages on the face of the planet. Just chuck however many your heart desires in a plastic bag and be on your merry way. They don’t warm up easily and the sheer convenience of having all your alcohol at an arm’s length makes up for the fact that the party you’re at is playing a mix of 2009 dubstep that sounds like it belongs on a Minecraft YouTube video. Like an alcoholic magician at a children’s party, you can dive into your bag of goodies and guarantee that a good time will come out.
In this day and age, it’s becoming more and more important to protect the things you love. Phone cases, laptop covers, and acrylic bongs are all examples of trying to shield beloved possessions from your incredibly clumsy drunk antics. Tinnies are a breath of fresh air, by that I mean you can knock them about more than a private school rugby team and still count on them to hold strong. I once dropped an entire carton of cans down two stories of stairs, not only were they completely undamaged but the trip downstairs added extra character to the beer. Trust in the tinnie, and it will trust in you.
Anyone who has ever had the good fortune to crack open a cold tin on a hot day will tell you that there’s really nothing like it. Hearing the comforting “Pssst” of a tin opening and then feeling the liquid joy hit your throat is an experience unlike any other. Whether it’s the brewery methods or the fact that it’s been marinating in aluminumy goodness, the taste of a frosty tinnie cannot be matched.
If my passionate rambling hasn’t managed to convince you that tinnies are the best thing since sliced bread, let’s have a look at the numbers. Financially, tinnies are a much better investment than their bottled counterpart as manufacturers don’t have to waste their money on pesky glass. On top of that, tinnies usually come in 30 packs (Or they do if you’re buying them right) as opposed to stubbies which weigh in at a disappointing 24 per slab. If you needed further convincing that tinnies are the way to go, then consider the fact that most tins on the market are 375ml+, a cheeky 25ml extra than bottles. At the end of the day, more beer is always a good thing.
Every hero has their shortcomings and the tinnie is no different. While it excels in many areas, it inevitably disappoints in others. Have you ever tried to cheers someone with a tinnie? It’s embarrassing. It feels like turning up to a gunfight with a butter knife, or even worse, a fucking spork.
Despite this speed bump, the tinnie still deserves a place amongst Australia’s greatest. Next time you’re stretching out on a deck chair enjoying a hard-earned cold one, make sure you’re cracking open a tinnie and celebrating the things that make this country great, casual alcohol abuse and mass produced goods.
Image: Tara Garman/@cheersbeerz
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