Things I Think About Your Zany Bow Tie

Some people wear bow ties. They just do. Some people wear normal ties. Sometimes those people then do other normal things, like take them off before they go out to a nightclub. But other guys? Well, other guys go home, eat spaghettio’s for dinner, then put a white button up on and say things like […]

10 Things I Actually Want For Christmas

Yes, buying Christmas presents sucks. You know what else sucks? Having to receive shitty, uninspired misfires of Christmas presents and feign excitement while the gift-giver watches, desperate, starving for some skerrick of vicarious satisfaction. It really bloody sucks. Some people might call that a first-world problem– since we’re in the first world, we can just […]

I Have No Clue What I’m Doing With My Life

The end of the year is a pretty weird time of year for a number of reasons. The impending Christmas period, the conclusion of the High School/University and the fact that it’s hotter than Satan’s balls makes it extremely difficult to do anything productive. This is usually the time of year where you find yourself […]

Donald Trump Made Me A Mercenary

Fiction. Remember how we’d sit around the kitchen table, drinking tequila from plastic cups till the sun came up? We’d scoff at the capitalist system, at money, and those helpless people devoted to it. You would roll cigarettes and we’d talk about Mao Zedong and Thomas Pynchon, and we’d laugh and imagine a life unburdened […]

Surviving Your Awkward Work Christmas Party

The time is nigh my friends. When we must, once again, endure the yearly tradition of being forced into a room with our work colleagues to drink alcohol and reminisce on all the hard work we put in the past year (Facebook scrolling and online shopping). I imagine a scene vaguely similar to mine: we’re […]