Golf is shit. Let’s just state that from the outset. ‘A good walk ruined’ as Winston Churchill, a man immeasurably smarter than you, famously put it. Every golf course in the world is a mass waste of fine acreage, where fat cats with starched collars flog little white balls into ponds.
Let it also be said, therefore, that when a person takes it upon themselves to besmirch the pompous institution of golf by shitting in the holes of a particular course – not once, not twice, but for a solid ten years – that person deserves our applause. A working class hero; a champion of the everyman.
And yes, that is exactly what has been happening in the world: a phantom poo-er has been shitting in the holes of a Norwegian golf course for more than a decade.
Kenneth Tennfjord, groundskeeper at the Stavanger Golf Club in Hafrsfjord, said he’s been finding human faeces – and also toilet paper – in course holes since 2005. Tennfjord claims that the offender “has a couple of favourite holes,” and also claims to “know it is a man because the poos are too massive to be from a woman.” Which, I think, is an egregious and very unscientific case of gender profiling.
Obviously the club is none too stoked about the fact that someone is regularly using their holes as a toilet. They even went so far as to install high-powered spotlights on the course with the hope of dissuading the serial shitter, who is very much a cloak-and-dagger style operator. But alas, the serial shitter was not to be dissuaded.
“He climbed up a tree next to the lights and wriggled far out on a branch and dismantled the spotlights,” said Frode Jormeland, another groundskeeper. “How he managed the feat without electrocuting himself or falling is a riddle.”
Steinar Floisvik, managing director of the club, can’t quite understand why someone, anyone, would want to so do defile the gentleman’s sport of golf.
“Our idea is that it could be someone who, for unknown reasons, hates the game of golf. Alternatively, the person may have a fetish or suffer from mental problems.”
Source: Vice Sports/UPI
Feature image: UPI
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