It’s 2018, and the fact that onions are still making people around the world weep into their dishcloths is, quite frankly, disgraceful. We can 3D print our own houses, marry our own ever-horny sexbots and even get our own selfie drone to film the consummation. And you’re telling me I still can’t make a fucking lasagna without breaking down into a hot blubbering mess?
It’s quite a pickle, this whole onion thing, and farmers and scientists have been working on a solution to the problem for a good 30 years. Not the ‘goggles-and-a-nose-plug’ solution you see in life hack listicles, but a real, 21st century fix.
The fruit of their labour? The Sunion.
Yes, that’s right: the saviour we’ve all been waiting for is called a Sunion. Possibly to herald the dawn of a new era, or to celebrate the vegetable’s life-giving qualities. But mainly for reasons unknown.
The magical Sunion was developed by a natural breeding program that dates back to the 80s, and it’s been genetically modified with the specific purpose of not making you cry when you cut it. Regular onions contain a chemical compound called lachrymatory-factor synthase, which forms sulfuric acid when it contacts the water in your eyes. Sunions do not. Sunions exist only to nourish and sustain us. They are peerless miracles of nature.
And taste-wise? Sweet enough to eat “like popcorn”, according to The Washington Post – a strange description, given that popcorn is neither particularly sweet nor in any other way similar to the everyday onion.
Then again, Sunions are hardly everyday. At the time of writing, these super-veggies are being grown exclusively in Nevada and Washington, with plans to increase supply according to demand.
“Sunion’s growers are currently working diligently with stores and supermarkets across the country to find the best locations to offer this groundbreaking product,” a spokesperson told the New York Post.
Until then we’re all going to have to get by with these regular fucking onions. Sorry about that.
Feature image: TKM
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