Raccoons really are a bunch of odious little bastards aren’t they? They break and enter family homes, upend kitchen bins and leave a wake of destruction, eggshells and coon shit wherever they go.
And yet we cannot help but adore them. Why? Partly, I think, because they have small hands and always look like they’re wearing scheming little eye-masks. On another level though, this feeling of solidarity with the humble raccoon can be related back to a sense of empathy–because, like it or not, raccoons embody the darkness in all of us. These stinking little bin pandas are the power animal of the downtrodden, the scumbag, the sleaze.
Remember that cooked coon who tried to wash his cotton candy in a puddle and desperately groped after it as it disintegrated before his eyes?
Or the Machiavellian mastermind who clung to the rear of a garbage truck and hitched a ride straight to trashtown?
This raccoon is having a rough morning-just wanted some trash & ended up in Rosslyn!
>And yes I alerted the driver pic.twitter.com/L3y3JFBpFx
— Helena B. Evich (@hbottemiller) February 17, 2017
These stories resonate with us because we see ourselves in them: we see how easily they could be us, if our circumstances were only a little bit different.
In the latest instance of raccoons acting like C-grade citizens, a young male coon named Tomas has become infatuated with human breasts after starring in an ‘erotic’ Russian television commercial. Apparently the zoo that leased out Tomas’ talents wasn’t aware the commercial was anything but PG13–until they watched back footage of a naked model lying in bed, with horny little Tomas snouting around in her cleavage like a buck-wild freshman.
Now the zoo is suing the advertising studio on the grounds that it ‘traumatised’ poor, poor Tom by awakening in him an insatiable infatuation for jubblies.
“We noticed he was attracted to women’s breasts,” said spokesperson Viktor Kiryukhin in an interview with the BBC. “He associated breasts with a treat… It took two to three months to change his behaviour. Now he is happy again… but he was sad before.”
The Moscow studio has bitten back, however, effectively claiming that Tomas was already a latent sex pest who voraciously snatched at the model’s bra during filming and started chomping on it of his own accord. They’ve even threatened to counter-sue and claim compensation for the damaged underwear.
The studio also made pretty bold claims that the ad isn’t even erotic and that everyone just needs to chill, really, because to be honest this is probably the best result that could’ve come from a medium-sized carnivorous mammal being let loose into a bed with a defenceless naked woman.
God help us.
Feature image: TES
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