New ‘Fitbit For Your Dick’ Will Prove You’re Shit In Bed

When it comes to doin’ the diddly, we all like to think we’re pretty alright. That we are, indubitably, a ‘good root’. But we’re probably not.

I say probably because it’s hard to know for sure. Sex isn’t ribbon gymnastics, and it’s not often you’ll be given a scorecard when you finish. Solid constructive feedback is rarely forthcoming.

“But what if there was a way to empirically measure sexual performance?” mutters a product developer in a boardroom somewhere, the end of his pencil gnawed down to a stump. “If only we could track a person’s thrusts, and positions, and endurance. Some kind of… ‘smart condom’. My God, wouldn’t that be something…”

Introducing the i.Con. Released by British Condoms, this nifty little Fitbit-for-your-dick will fit nicely around the base of your shaft and transmit all that valuable sexual data to an app on your phone. What kind of sexual data, you ask? Well, the number and velocity of your thrusts, for one. How long you spent rutting away. The amount of calories you burned. And, somehow, all the horrible positions you contorted your sweaty body into whilst ‘making love’.

The i.Con also promises to take locker-room dick-swinging digital, with the ability to share and compare your stats online.

“Users will have the option to share their recent data with friends, or indeed the world. You will be able to anonymously access stats that you can compare with i.Con users worldwide,” the company’s website says.

But what really makes this robo-rubber smart is its ability to sniff out pesky infections like chlamydia and gonorrhea. “There is an LED that will emit a purple light if STIs are present that we can identify,” claim the manufacturers.

Forget about your hoverboards and flying cars: this, apparently, is what the future looks like. Honestly, what a time to be alive.
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Source and images: The Independent

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