There’s a theory in anthropology known as the ‘drunk monkey hypothesis‘.
It essentially posits that alcoholic apes – those who had a predilection for getting fuckeyed on naturally-occurring ethanol – were favoured by natural selection, insofar as their alcoholism heightened their appetite for fermented fruit and increased their intake of calories.
On this model, we all more or less evolved from drunk monkeys. And ‘evolved’ is certainly not the operative word. Head to any boozer in the country tonight and you’re sure to see droves of modern man aping our jungle-dwelling ancestors. We are, all things counted, so very similar.
It shouldn’t really surprise us, then, when we see a drunk monkey for real. It probably shouldn’t shock us, and it almost definitely shouldn’t be news. But you know what I think we could all use right now? A little bit of fucking escapism. Something dumb. Something absurdly tragicomic enough to take us out of the crushing nausea of the human condition for a while.
And if that isn’t the story of a monkey getting drunk in a bar, then I don’t know what is.
So yeah, anyway, a monkey got drunk in a bar. Why? Because some people thought it’d be funny. Was it? Well, not for them, and that’s all that matters.
The bar was in Bangalore, India, and a handful of shit humans coaxed the monkey over with food. The monkey wasn’t doing anything else at the time, apparently – he’s just a stupid monkey – so hell: why not? The monkey came on over and decided that yes, he would love some of those snacks.
Then the humans upped the ante. They gave the monkey something to drink. ‘Forced’ it, according to a local paper. And so the monkey got drunk and fell asleep in front of the bar.
But that was only the beginning. After rousing from his power-nap, the shitfaced little macaque sprang up and launched into a drunken frenzy: jumping from table to table and attacking every customer within paw’s reach. The patrons fled, and the monkey stumbled outside and promptly fell asleep right there in the street.
Animal welfare staff arrived shortly thereafter to take the drunk monkey away, relocating him to a – and I quote – ‘rehabilitation centre’. Rehab. For a monkey.
And that’s pretty much the end of that chapter. The takeaway? That some monkeys can’t drink for shit, I guess. If you see one at the bar tonight, offer him a water.
Source: Deccan Herald
Feature image: Animalia Life
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