Humans, the sex-crazed troglodytes that we are, will do anything humanly imaginable in order to get our rocks off.
I once met a guy who fucked a couch. Like, stuffed cling wrap between the cushions and straight up rutted away at his family couch. Another horndog once told me about the time he masturbated with Deep Heat and inadvertently set fire to his totem pole. And lest we forget the curious case of a woman in Thailand who “fell” on a cucumber a couple of months ago and had to be rushed to the nearest hospital to have it removed from her nether regions.
There’s really no telling what any one man or woman might to do to themselves once they get a little hot under the collar, and it’s not uncommon for a person’s better judgement to take a backseat once the sex drive starts revving.
One particularly toey individual got himself into a bit of a squeeze last week when he managed, against all odds, to get both his dick and balls jammed in a cock ring.
If you’re rushing to Google-search “what in God’s name is a cock ring and why would anyone ever want to use one”, allow us to confirm that it is, more or less, exactly as it says on the packaging: a ring for your thing. In short, these so-called ‘sex aids’ restrict the amount of blood flowing out of an erection, thus boosting sexual performance and stamina. If used correctly.
While it’s recommended that such lewd devices be removed after no longer than 30 minutes to avoid long-term genital damage, this randy bastard apparently left the ring pinched around his man-meat for “a couple of days” before realising that something was amiss. By the time he got to the emergency room at King George Hospital, in East London, his genitals were crammed so tightly into the kinky toy that doctors were unable to remove them.
“To put it in layman’s terms, he tried to put his veg [testicle] in the ring as well but it stopped the circulation and became stuck” said one of several firefighters who were called on to the scene at 2 in the morning, and who had to use a hydraulic metal cutter – a tool more commonly used to free people from crashed cars – to unshackle the man’s “swollen and… funny colour[ed]” junk.
For many, this story ought to serve as a timely reminder to be cautious in your sexual experimentation: that you might be riding high atop a wave of titillation one minute, and having your hideously swollen dick sawed out of an iron noose the next. Know your limits, in other words. Else you might just find yourself in a very tight spot.
Source: Evening Standard
Feature image: Prince George Regional Highway Rescue
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