As you progress through life and all its challenges, you start to realise that there are a lot of people out there that are just absolute shit cunts. People that no matter how hard you try to teach them, just can’t seem to get the hang of being a half decent human being.
The thing is, we know they’re shit cunts. However, they don’t seem to be aware that the rest of the world sees them as a shit cunt, so we have to quietly go about our business while exchanging knowing glances when they do something that is just so typically them.
They’ve well and truly assimilated into our society, you can hardly walk down the street without encountering some bloke who looks like he’d harvest your toenails if it meant he’d cop a cheeky extra nugget in his next happy meal.
Lucky for you, I’ve gathered information from across the globe and toiled through many, MANY academic journals to present to you the four types of shit cunts that you’ll meet during your life, and how best to avoid them.
Financial Shit Cunts
These are the types of people that never pay you back, or after weeks of chasing them like a drug dealer who just wants his tic, they finally cough up but only after making you feel like the world’s biggest shit bag for inconveniencing them.
They’ll never shout you a round of bevvies, offer to share anything they’ve bought or chip in for the Uber home, even though it’s 2017 and literally, everyone in the world possesses a smartphone and has access to an internet connection.
They are the people that when you’re buying something they jokingly say one for me too and even though they kinda-sorta laugh you can see it in their eyes that they’re pleading you to hand over a 50 so they can nibble on a bit of brain candy too.
I’m all for generosity and being able to share things amongst a group of friends while simultaneously trusting that the favour will be returned to you, but eventually, these types of shit cunts drain your very soul and your wallet.
My best advice for dealing with these types of people is to treat them like children and simply say NO. The next time they creep up to you while you’re lining up for a post-clubbing pre-kickons Maccas refuel simply stare them in the eyes for at least 10 seconds, and then scream “YOU GOT MCDONALD’S MONEY THO?”
Interpersonal Shit Cunts
Interpersonal shit cunts are perhaps the most damaging, as they have the potential to wreak havoc on your friendships, relationships and even be unnecessarily rude to your mum when they come round to visit.
This is perhaps the most common form of the shit cunt, as it’s easily recognisable and diagnosable. It might take days, months or even years for you to realise that the person you’ve been hanging around with really just sucks, but hey, at least you got there eventually, right?
These shit cunts manifest themselves in a number of ways: acting blatantly rude for no good reason, constantly causing drama between an otherwise happy group of friends or by committing the most heinous of crimes, having sex with a friend’s committed partner.
You don’t need these people in your life. You deserve better, boo.
If you find yourself face to face with an interpersonal shit cunt in the wild, the best thing you can do is remove that toxicity from your life before it spreads like a bad case of gangrene.
General Shit Cuntery
The universe has a funny way of showing you the right path, and sometimes you can just spot a shit cunt from a mile away.
Think of those blokes you meet at the smoker’s area of clubs, who introduce themselves as “old pal” and within the first 10 seconds of meeting them they demand “AW YEA MATE WHAT ARE YOU CARRYING TONIGHT”.
They’re the people at festivals that get weird and start sniffing the air when they realise someone’s lit a joint, it’s the Uber driver that seems a bit too friendly with you and proceeds to give you an in-depth recount of their entire sexual history, they’re the people who look to start a fight when they’re out just for the sake of being touched by another human being.
The good thing about this type of shit cunt is that usually, the interaction is so brief and horrible that you can immediately identify this person as someone you want to have absolutely no contact with in the future.
These people thrive on recognition and interaction. If you choose to simply ignore them or even better, stare at them as if they’ve just drop kicked a small baby into a recycling bin, then chances are they’ll leave you alone and move onto their next target.
That Extra Kind Of Shit Cunt
There are people out there whose entire existence is utterly consumed with being an absolute shit cunt. They’re the people who when you mention them in your friendship group, attract looks of total disdain and usually, someone will blurt out “Nah mate, they’re a total shit cunt.” From the tone and look in their eyes, you immediately realise that there’s no way you can have any interaction with them from here on out.
Usually, we can co-exist with shit cunts peacefully as long as we accept that when given the opportunity, they’re gonna pull a shit cunt move. With that extra kind of shit cunt, there is no real telling how shit of a shit cunt move they could pull, that unpredictability is dangerous.
My best advice for dealing with these people is to not stand passively by and let them ruin the world, tell your friends of their shit cuntery and stop them from infiltrating your friendship circle.
It’s a scary world out there, with people trying to fuck you over at every twist and turn. Life’s hard enough as it is without people doing their hardest to cause you hell. If there’s one mantra you should repeat through life, let it be “I will not be a shit cunt”.
Be a good cunt instead.
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