You know that scene in The Lord Of The Rings where the giant spider shanks Frodo in the chest and he starts frothing at the mouth like he’s just copped a horse tranq to the heart? Well good news, humble arachnophobe: that could be you!
The Australian Reptile Park has casually released a call-out asking thousands of clueless pedestrians to slap on their Ash Ketchum hats and go hunting for deadly funnel-web spiders. Why? So that they can milk them, stupid! Once captured and donated, the spiders will be taken into the park’s “big, beautiful milking room.”
Now I know what you’re thinking. Why would anyone want to milk a spider? Furthermore, how does one milk a spider? Where are the teats? WHERE ARE THE TEATS??
Sadly, there are no teats, and spider’s milk is not, strictly speaking, a real thing. Rather, the captive Sydney funnel-webs will be milked of their venom—of which they have a butt-ton, might I add—following a heavy spate of spider bites that has resulted in a worrying shortage of antidote.
Ironically, attempting to capture venomous spiders is probably the most sure-fire way to get bitten by one in the first place.
“We have tried to catch enough spiders ourselves and we just can’t,” said the Reptile Park’s general manager Tim Faulkner, his words ringing with frustration and defeat. And what do you do when the experts can’t deliver an army of life-threatening little arachnids? You outsource it to the general public.
“The funnel web is an aggressive spider,” says Tim, before instructing anyone and everyone to go out and grab a few. The park’s website is likewise transparent about the fact that “The large fangs and acidic venom make the bite very painful.”
But don’t worry: bagging these deadly little creatures of sin is a piece of piss, apparently. Tim reckons that “With an appropriate jar and a wooden spoon, you can flick the spider into the jar so easily.”
Just don’t go crying to him for some anti-venom when you get chomped.
Feature image: YouTube
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