IKEA Anxiety

Photo by ThriftyCraftyGirl

IKEA is terrifying. The sequel to “Nightmare on Elm Street” should be “Nightmare in the Bedding Department”.

Every time I venture to the ginormous centre I see my life flashing before my eyes. You may think this is hyperbolic. But have you ever imagined a fire in IKEA? It would just be a smouldering mess of minimalistic furnishings and kooky light fittings. The place is a death trap.

And don’t try to outsmart the yellow arrows. You will never get out of the place and a diet wholly consisting of $1 Swedish meatballs will kill you within days.

Whenever I get lost in IKEA, I imagine it turning into a full-blown Lord of the Flies scenario; all kinds of disoriented people using curtain rods as spears and staking out in the giant ball-ball crèche.

I’m not alone on this. I found a YouTube video called “How to Survive Buying a Kitchen at IKEA”. It sounds more like an apocalyptic survival guide than a friendly shopping experience.

Plus those heart-shaped armed pillows they have are not cute. They’re disturbing.

IKEA also makes you feel stupid. The names are generally completely unpronounceable. I can never ask for help because how do you even ask for the Bjursta table? I have too much pride to even hazard a guess at how to say Äpplarö.

One advantage of IKEA is stealing all the pencils. I’ll never need to buy pencils ever again!

But once you’ve meticulously written down all the items you want, you’re presented with the warehouse section. It’s like the climax of the traumatic experience. Some things are just impossible to find.

And if you hate yourself enough, you can get a 5c soft serve on your way out. It’s in the plastic part of the food triangle.

The horror doesn’t stop when you leave. Once you get home you have the daunting task of assembly. I once bought a really cheap bathroom rack. I came to the conclusion it was so cheap because it took two hours to put together. By the end I looked like Tom Hanks in “Cast Away” and my then relationship was severely damaged over the ordeal. I refuse to ever touch an Allen Key again.

If you do embark on a trip to IKEA, there are a few things to keep in mind: look out for fire exits, don’t ingest anything and just give up and follow the yellow arrows.

I came across this parody while writing this cautionary piece. It basically encapsulates the IKEA experience.

Written by Saskia Edwards


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