I was mind-fucked by Uber Drivers in LA

Pop quiz time. What does a pot dealer, paranoid-gun-lover and wannabe actor all have in common? They’re all mentally unhinged Uber Driver’s of course.

***

Jumping into the sticky, leather seats of the silver Uber ride outside our Venice beach hotel, I felt my foot nudge against something hard under my seat and watched, curious, as our driver bent down to scoop up a large tupperware container and thrust it at me

“Woops, can you hold these?” He says

*Shoves, tupperware container in my face*

Me: What are they?

Uberdude: Hash brownies. You want some?

Me: What’d you say?

Uberdude: HASH brownies. I make them.

Of course you do. 

(You Dick. What did you think he had in there, his meat and 2 veg dinner, prepared lovingly by his wife?)

I grinned, took the container and turned to my friends in the backseat to casually say:

“Oh look, he’s offering us hash brownies if were hungry.”

– Only in Venice Beach would you find a 65 year-old Uber Driver, pushing homemade hash brownies as a side hustle.

Gotta do what you gotta do, eh? Who are we to refuse an elderly gentleman his love of baking drugged sweets for strangers.

I couldn’t help but think about the world of shit you’d find yourself in, had this scenario played out in Australia. Our cab drivers are too busy talking jibberish into a headpiece, permanently glued into their ear, and ignoring every attempt you make to communicate with them.

After countless Uber rides during the 4 glorious days of headfuckery that was LA, I’ve saved these 4 favourites to share

I can confirm that there is a strong correlation between LA Uber Driver’s being somewhat MENTALLY UNHINGED

But that’s none of my business…

And in answer to your question – no, we politely declined Uber driver one’s offer to eat questionable looking, burnt brownies (which he probably made using a sandwich press)

Looking back, its actually my one regret in life now, turning down grandpa Uber’s brownies…

But lets not dwell on past regrets

Uber driver number two, who openly admitted to having a hand gun in his glove box (and then opened said glove box to show us handgun) spent the entire drive giving us his list of ‘pro’s’ as to why he needed to have a gun on him. Needless to say, I spent the entire trip nervously glancing over my shoulder every 5 minutes, thinking:

“Is this fucking lunatic about to be ambushed?”

And, of course, your trip to LA wouldn’t be complete if you didn’t meet your typical wannabe Actor. Ours was also a part time Uber driver (acting career clearly skyrocketing) who took us for a 2-hour tour of Beverly hills (and surrounds) and name dropped cool famous people he’d supposedly partied with.

I didn’t quite catch it all, I was too distracted watching his hair NOT move, despite the breeze blowing in all four windows and my eye twitching every time he exaggerated his accent when he said ‘New-ork’

Like, just say NEW YORK like a fucking normal person. Stop trying to impress us with your rehearsed words, you’re not on a movie set, you’re an Uber driver, showing a couple of Aussie tourists the sites…

You’re basically a tour bus driver.

Okay? Okay.

Uber driver four — AKA smiley, closet rapper — picked us up in a clean, air conditioned commodore. He was playing classical music and smiling like a Cheshire cat.

I liked him and his wide, Colgate-white smile.

We told him he could put his own music on and tone down the ‘white girl ballet’ vibes. Eventually he started blaring Drake and Future’s ‘Jumpman’ and was grinning like a little boy

– I know, whatafuckinglegend

Then, my mate, Alex (also fucking legend) started shrugging her shoulders grooving into some sort of seated dance, freestyling it with Uberdude (yes, this whole experience was captured in a glorious 3-minute video on my iPhone).

If anyone in Uberland is listening:

Dear Uber, please continue to NOT screen your drivers for criminal history and Psychological sanity because, in doing so, while I could die, it makes for a fucking colourful ride, and is a refreshing change from the usual mute, taxi drivers.

Yours faithfully,

American Uber Driver Survivor