If you’re like me, you had a big O-Week. If you’re also like me, you tried experimental hallucinogens from the deep jungles of Mexico and are paying for it harshly. Everywhere you look there are assignment deadlines, swirling lights and a whole lot of noise. But don’t stress, here’s how to stay alive and make it through the first week of Uni when your head feels like the drum kit of an overly aggressive 12-year-old.
TACTICAL SHOTS
The trick to never getting a hangover is to never actually be sober, there’s a reason alcoholics are known for being party animals and their cheerful outlook on life. Invest in a flask and your favourite type of dark brown liquid and schedule shots throughout the day. If your lecturer is a “traditional” type who doesn’t believe in “drinking at 9am” then you can always disguise Vodka as water and trick people into thinking you lead a functioning life. Failing that, start crying in the middle of a lecture and claim that your Grandma’s time has come, that should buy some time for more drinking.
DISGUISE YOUR SLEEP
Remember all those hilarious cartoons you used to watch as a kid? The ones that had those quirky glasses that the lovable main character would don when trying to catch a few z’s? It’s time to bring that childlike creativity to solve your drinking problem. Wearing a pair of those stylish shades allows you to at least grab some sleep without being photographed and laughed at like some sort of inebriated zoo animal. Who knows, your lecturer might have a sense of humour and applaud your intuition!
DON’T ENGAGE MATURE AGED STUDENTS
Mature aged students are like a wild animal; don’t look them in the eye, don’t attempt to reason with them and don’t feed them or they’ll come back. Your best chance of avoiding noise and unwanted interactions is to avoid the people that generate these most, mature aged students. It’s impossible to sleep when the 38 year old man with a pony tail and bad boy tattoos sitting next to you keeps asking about the next four weeks fucking readings. Avoid these people otherwise you’ll be stuck in a debate about what they thought of the course material and why they think the lecturer hasn’t responded to their emails.
AVOID LOUD AREAS
When you’re hanging hard it’s best to avoid busy areas such as train stations, shopping centres and the outside world. If you have 30 minutes until your next tutorial, the Uni Gods have blessed you with some nap time, so take advantage of it. Stretch out on a chair or maybe curl up under a desk, chuck some of those cat ear headband things on, maybe leave some anime running on a laptop to ensure that no one comes near you, and get some well-earned rest.
Sleep tight, stay hydrated and get amongst it at the Uni Bar this Friday.
Image: Social Student
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