The Worst Guide To Getting Over Your Breakup

Breakups suck. They just do. 99% of the time, things don’t go smoothly, because the person you spent the past however-long arguing with over what to eat for dinner is now doing that with someone else, and that shit hurts. But it’s not all bad. You also have the freedom to pick a new human who you’ll inevitably end up hating.

But until you find that special someone, there are a few tactics you can employ in order to make this ordeal a little easier. I, having experienced the trauma of breakups many times in the past, decided to compile a little list to help you, the sufferer, with this shitty phase.

Drink lots.
Getting blackout drunk is like pulling the handbrake on your own emotions. Even if you were crying in the corner of the very same club you met “bae” in, you won’t remember it. Plus, the next day you’ll have a king-size hangover and you’ll be way too busy vomiting in the toilet and writing attention-seeking status updates asking people to bring you fast food to worry about that pesky ex-partner of yours. You also get a few bonus points for all of booze’s empty calories; there’s nothing like a bit of post-breakup weight gain to really drive home your independence.

Get on Tinder.
Having tried and failed at a fulfilling, romantic relationship, it’s now time to visit the other end of the spectrum and have meaningless sex with a person who almost definitely has an STD. Even just chatting on Tinder is a great way to pass the time; it’s like an interactive version of Humans of New York: a stream of random people, each with personal problems so deep it’ll make your breakup look like Disneyland.

Post on social media about how great life is.
Breakups are a competition. If you want to win, you’ve got to tell everyone how epic your life is now that the old ‘ball and chain’ isn’t around. Take photos of things that you’re drinking and eating and tag people and check-in to places and do all the annoying shit that your little sister does. Bonus points for one of those passive aggressive inspirational quotes that take a stab at your ex/talk about the importance of freedom.

Buy an animal.
Purchase a beating heart. Your broken one is ripe and ready to look after a dependent.

Dive straight into another relationship.
Now that you’ve got an STD on Tinder, it’s time to find yourself another partner. It doesn’t really matter who. Just pick someone then make sure everyone knows the love of your life conveniently appeared right after your last, traumatic breakup. Post about them lots. People love hearing about your relationships and seeing photos and hearing that the two of you made the best organic lentil soup in like, the whole. wide. world.

Repeat.
The rebound isn’t going to work out, so when you and number two (don’t bother giving it a name) break things off, just repeat the entire process. By now, you’ve surely forgotten about the first breakup, and if you haven’t, you weren’t listening hard enough when I said “drink lots”.

Just kidding. Be a decent human. Breakups are hard; don’t make them worse.
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Photo by Joe.

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