Instagram be like:
“Buy this pre-workout (seen here with my ridiculously staged selfie) Its killing my adrenals and makes me shit 3 times a day – I LOVE it”
I don’t know about the rest of you dickheads but I’m seeing some repeat offenders on Instagram whose posts make me want to go on a manic ‘unfollowing’ expedition or throw my phone in a river.
Disclaimer – I will say, that having only had Instagram this year (I know – how dare I be off enjoying my life) I will now own up to being a recovered offender of annoying Insta types 2 and 4 (no, not type 1, my consistent wine-drinking-cheese-eating habit got in the way of perfecting my body).
So, if I can overcome these rookie Insta mistakes in just a short year, there’s hope for you yet.
Yes, in particular order of most annoying (should be killed by firing squad) to least annoying (probably just a kick in the fanny and a ‘don’t do it again’) I now present my top 4:
- Wannabe fitness models / vain bodybuilder types / vain model types – the annoying ‘supplement promoter’ also falls under this broad category. Its getting very tiresome (and detrimental to my self-esteem) scrolling through photo after photo of chiseled, defined abs, oompa-loompa-looking fake tan and/or grinning moron’s posing with a tub of some caffeinated heart attack in a bottle. YES, we see your body is perfect. Claps for you. So what? Can you spell? Are you hilarious? We know you’re probably hoping some big-name sporting brand will see your picture, gizz over your bodily perfection and hire you as an ambassador and make you famous. Happily ever after. I’m a fitness model now. Blah. I feel like its become the new norm to have defined abs and a perfect toned ass. Like, somehow – in this fucked up situation – I’m the odd one out. I appreciate your hard work and countless missed opportunities to socialise because you were too busy weighing that goddamn 200g of chicken breast for your rigorously timed meal… actually, no. I don’t really. We’ve all got too many of you cramming up our news feed. Stop.
- The wordsmith / philosopher (Look, I have been guilty of this Insta crime in the past and I’ve asked Jesus for his forgiveness a number of times).Yes, I ADMIT, I’ve fallen victim to the mistake of ‘feeling emotional must post quote to portray my deep mood’ BUT, I’d like to think that my ‘quote’ choices were never quite as bad as the cliché, vom-worthy ‘live, laugh, breath’ or ‘new beginnings’ with a picture of a sunset or a girl riding a unicorn. I made the mistake of following a whole heap of what looked like positive/ motivational coaches, on a coffee high, and now my Insta feed is predominantly made up of try hard insightful quotes that don’t really mean anything like: “The Sky is the limit” or “Happiness is an inside job” …. Yuck.
- Photoshopping Queens – whose social media photos only slightly resemble their real life appearance. You see them out in their natural habitat (minus flattering Valencia filter) and don’t even recognize that they are in fact one in the same.
- The ‘I don’t even know what I’m doing here’ types – that hashtag all wrong and put up pointless photos of, like, their ute and awkwardly close up photos of their face. This person has Instagram for the sake of having Instagram but posts only the most boring shit ever, that makes you cringe as you quickly scroll right on past them. I remember uploading a picture of my legs on my yoga mat with some shitty caption like: “Raining out so my morning walk had to be swapped with some yoga!” – Okay. Ground-breaking. Thanks for sharing, Bec. I’d take it down, so people think I’m more cool, but I refuse to be a fake bitch by deleting it, so… I’ll just cop that one.
There are also some Supreme offenders who combine annoying Insta type 1 with type 4 – which comes out looking like: flawless model shot teamed with generic, time-wasting quote on life that we all know is just an (overused) excuse for you to put up a hot photo of yourself without looking vain.
We see what you’re doing there, you’re not that clever.
What I think what we can all learn from this is that people are fantastic actors… and to keep in mind that sometimes the grass looks greener, BECAUSE IT’S FAKE…
That and Instagram is now too bigger part of my life if I’m sitting here dedicating a post to it in my spare time…
Avid Instagram Judger
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