You can get away with anything in the name of science. There’s no telling how many sick creeps are running around out there in lab coats and sneans, living out their deepest darkest fetishes under the guise of ‘investigative research’.
Take Donald McKnight, for example. Donny’s a PhD candidate at James Cook University, Queensland, and he’s studying turtles for his master’s degree. Western chicken turtles, to be precise. And in order to carry out his research effectively, Donny needs to be able to separate the chicks from the dicks.
“To really understand what is going on with a population and how to conserve it, you need to be able to distinguish males and females,” he said. Which makes sense. So far so good – very science-y.
The problem is, Donny doesn’t really believe in the published criteria for determining a turtle’s gender, and wasn’t entirely comfortable performing certain other, more invasive sexing methods – eg. slicing a specimen open to have a squizz at his or her genitals. (Though if that’s what he needed to do for the sake of scientific progress, he totally could’ve done that.)
Lucky for Donny, another sex pest scientist already published a paper back in 2013 titled ‘New Experimental Method for Semen Extraction in Freshwater Turtles’, in which they discussed the use of vibrators.
“It seemed reasonable to us that if you could use a vibrator to make a turtle ejaculate, then you should also be able to use it to make a male turtle show you his penis,” said Donny. “Which would then allow us to distinguish males and females.”
Okay, so a couple of things here. First off, any method which involves “[making] a male turtle show you his penis” sounds very invasive and domineering. Secondly, the fact that Donny says you ‘should’ be able to, rather than ‘could’, is very telling. He’s not speculating whether or not the peculiar method will work – in the depths of his heart, he already knows that it will – he’s defending his right to perform it.
“We weren’t doing this because we thought it would be fun,” says Donny. “We did this because we were trying to find a less invasive method of sexing problematic turtles.”
In any case, there’s no getting around the fact that Donny and his colleagues sexually stimulated a bunch of defenceless, unconsenting turtles with a cheap silver vibrator that they bought online.
Their findings? That when it comes to getting your rocks off, no two turtles are the same.
Donny found that different turtles responded differently to the vibrator. Soft-shell turtles, for example, were much easier to please than their musk turtle cousins.
“If we did something that the turtle didn’t like, it would tense up and tuck its limbs and tail against its body, but when we found a position or motion that aroused it, it would relax and stretch out its limbs and tail, so we would keep doing that,” said Donny.
“Also, it appeared that the turtles responded best when the vibrator had fresh batteries and was on its fastest setting.”
In what way this knowledge might ultimately benefit the human species is well and truly beyond me. Then again, I’m not a scientist.
Now please enjoy this video of two turtles having what appears to be very consensual and exhausting sex:
Feature image: Flickr
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