Lock Up Your Panties: Underwear Thieves Are On The Loose In Melbourne

Fucking undie thieves. There’s no stain on the fabric of modern-day society quite like a man who slinks around flogging other people’s dacks*. Don’t get me wrong, there are certainly worse people in the world–but it takes a special kind of creeper to pussyfoot around pilfering panties for his own private pleasure.

Melbourne police are on the lookout for one particular undie-handed scoundrel who was caught on camera playing finders-keepers with a woman’s delicates a few weeks ago. CCTV captured the unidentified delinquent–demonstrably cooked–as he entered the Viewbank residence and proceeded to fill his pockets with women’s underwear like he was Aladdin in the Cave of Wonders.

And he’s not the only pantie-snatcher in town, either. Last year a 35-year-old ‘snow dropper’ was caught stealing women’s underwear from backyard clotheslines in the Richmond area. This sticky-fingered individual hit one particular house five times within three months, forcing the resident to move, and purloined a total of $800 worth of undies throughout his cat burgling career.

Just a couple of months ago, moreover, a 52-year-old man was arrested for pantie-thievery at a tram stop in North Melbourne, a few days after he’d collected his loot. A string of similar offences went down in 2012 in the Northcote area.

What exactly is in Melbourne’s water that’s turning everyone into crazed, undie-hungry animals is anyone’s guess. If you live in Melbourne and have a clothesline, know that there’s probably a knicker nicker in your backyard right now, grazing like a horse at an apple tree. In any case, these stories serve as a timely reminder to lock your fucking windows and doors because there are deadset bandits about and they want your underwear.

*Hall pass to the homeless, though.


Feature image: Huffington Post
Image: Victoria Police


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