We’re Too Poor For The 2014 Federal Budget

^ lol.

It’s fairly easy to explain why we’re not exactly fond of the 2014 federal budget. Our brand manager walks an extra two kilometers to save seventy-cents on cans of tuna and our director treats his ‘seventh coffee free’ cards like Willy Wonker’s Golden Ticket. It’s true, we’re not rich, and only the rich are truly benefiting from the cuts and adjustments of the latest budget. In addition, health and social services programs stand to lose $6 billion annually, making it one of the biggest reductions to Australian health and welfare spending ever. But everyone is pissed and saying a lot of things about a lot of everything, so in true YFH fashion, we surmised the areas we think will most affect you, our readership.

If you’re a university student you’ll be required to pay back your HECS debt in a lower income bracket. This means when you finally do find a job, you’ll be forking out the elevated fees faster than you can say ‘was it worth it?’ Oh, and it’s called HELP now, a marketing ploy signifying the cries of university students all over Australia.

If you’re planning on studying, you shouldn’t. Just kidding (follow your dreams). But prepare for a significant increase in tuition fee’s, which couples painfully with that annoying HECS adjustment. To give you some idea, the government currently contributes 59% to course fees. They plan to decrease this figure by around 20% in January 2016.

If you’re learning a trade, you’re in luck. The government has proposed an additional $20,000 support over a four-year trade via concessional trade support loans. That’s a lot of Four’N Twenties.

If you occasionally get sick (everyone), you’ll be forced to pay an extra $7 per visit and $5 per prescription. For people with ongoing illnesses, this is a significant increase over the course of a year. In a sliver of kindness, the powers that be are only making concession card payments and kids under sixteen (people with no money) pay for their first ten visits a year.

If you’re unemployed and under 30, sucking on the governments teat will become an increasingly painful task. In addition to waiting in Centrelink lines that smell like the underside of your grandma’s mattress, you’ll be forced to endure 6-months of unemployment until you’re even eligible to apply for Newstart or Youth Allowance. Once the government do provide assistance, you’ll also be required to complete a mandatory 25 hours a week working for the Dole.

If you own a car, petrol prices are going to be even more frustrating than they are right now. Soon enough you’ll be in a greater financial position to fill your car with Chivas Regal than that devilish petroleum shit.

There’s a bunch of other stuff in there, but according to the limited market research we’ve done on our demographic, very few of you earn over $180,000 a year (more taxes) or give a fuck about the funding given to priests in schools (it’s increased).

So, there you go.