Pounding The Flounder In Public

Photo by Sangroncito

There are certain types of behaviour that are universally unacceptable in public but perfectly permissible in private. Urination on transport, verbal abuse or giving birth without knowing that you’re actually pregnant – all unacceptable forms of public behaviour that warrant social exclusion and/or confused looks.

We can get away with this if it’s conducted from the privacy of our own homes but there is one deplorable action at which I draw the line: public masturbation. I am really tired of overhearing dudes having a wack in public. It leaves a scarring mental image that I must deal with for the rest of my life. Some serious PTSD shit.

Whether it’s visiting the public restrooms or taking a late night train, the ‘fap fap’ of some decrepit soul tugging at their disco stick inevitably echoes the great chamber of the Fortitude Valley train station on a regular basis. It is here that I had my most recent run-in with a penile predator. Like old faithful spewing thermally heated water from the depths of mother Earth, so too does ‘bogan Bruce’ spray homemade sex sauce all over any unsuspecting surface unfortunate enough to stand before his throbbing member.

Random acts of grossness in Fortitude Valley restrooms are by no means a rare event, but standing at urinal while a tracksuit clad hick violently masturbates in the adjacent unlocked cubicle makes it difficult to concentrate on the task at hand.

Seriously, it was although this dude was angry at his penis.

Upon realising this fact I decided to let the old codger finish flaying the fillet alone, although I doubt he cared. The experience left me with a confused expression on my face, sort of like that worn by toddlers when you teach them that they will die someday. Proponents of this disturbing trend say that a public pubic pat-down is a victimless crime, but Catholicism in all its wisdom knows better. Every act of masturbation, or ‘the devil’s massage’, can be considered genocide. Between 40 million to 1.2 billion innocent little baby sperm cells are murdered every time you take a load off. But like I said, even masturbatory genocide is acceptable if no one sees you doing it.

Humans are sexual creatures so we can do whatever consensual act we want behind closed doors, but how can anyone feel comfortable enough in a seedy, train station cubicle to get aroused? This is a hard issue to elevate so to find out more, I talked to a hooker.

You ever gone solo in a train station cubical?
Nah. Had sex at Maccas though.

Why do people get off over getting it off in public?
I don’t know. When you gotta go you gotta go. I don’t feel really qualified to answer this.

Why not? You are a hooker after all.
Fuck you, Dom. Why can’t you write about something nice for once?

Touche. The oldest trick in the book: answering a question with another question. But the hooker raises an interesting point: sometimes sexual urges just become too much to deal with. Patrick Carnes PhD put sex addiction on the psychiatric map, 160km west of Object Sexuality actually. He believes that sex addiction is characterised by ‘recurrent failures’ to resist sexual impulses, spending an ‘inordinate amount of time’ trying to obtain sex and (according to South Park) being really, really rich.

But having sex in public, even if it is at McDonald’s, ain’t no where near as bad as spanking the monkey by yourself. 100 per cent of humans enjoy intercourse, meaning that sex in public can be considered a rational and mutually profitable endeavour. For instance, did you know that in many cultures it’s actually illegal not to have sex in public? It’s true*

So at least with public sex you’re helping someone else get pleasure out of it. Public masturbation on the other hand is just plain selfish. Government statistics show that pounding your flounder in public costs the Australian economy over $3 billion a year. Studies from our Holy Mother Church also indicate that incidences of fur spontaneously growing on the palms of wanking willys’ has increased 10 fold since 1999.

Now I know what you’re thinking: ‘none of those statistics are real’, and that may be true. But if News Limited have taught me anything, it’s that we journalists don’t need fancy things like statistics or evidence, all we need is Photoshop and some gnarly Hogan’s Heroes puns. But regardless, all this begs the question: what can be done to stop public masturbation?

Should we organise protests? Begin an online petition? Write to our MP? The answer to this my friends, is quite simple: how about just waiting till you get home you fucking pervert.

*It’s not.

Written by Dominic Cansdale.

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Dominic Cansdale is a budding journalist and a political nerd. He is not as strange as this article makes him out to be. Follow him on twitter at @DominicCansdale.