Dating Advice From A Guy With Man Boobs

I’m straight and I’m a bit of a romantic; I guess you could say I’m just looking for my parallel. So ladies, please form a line… Bit of geometric humour there to start us off.

It may shock you all that soon I will not be as beautiful as I am now. As it turns out, three things run genetically in my family; baldness, man boobs and bowel cancer. Everything a woman dreams of in a man. That’s right, I can lick my own nipple. Does that get you in the mood ladies? If your answer is yes, please add me on Facebook. Seriously. Anyway, it has become quite clear to me that I have a very short window of time before I become un-marryable. Lets face it, I’m already extremely grumpy and moody. Mix in pattern baldness and a man bra, and you’ve got yourself one hell of a catch. I give myself, at max, another ten years before my hair is gone, and another five before my metabolism gives up.

I figured I better get cracking on the whole ‘soul mate’ thing, but before I do I’d like to share with you my dating tips, so you guys can get cracking too. These are just some of the things which I’ve done that you can learn from. Some of them are even true. First of all, (1) when you’re in a relationship, only have sex with one person, but always ask them before hand. This applies every time. No exceptions. (2) If youlove someone, you should let them go. However, I’m not ready for the ‘L’ word yet, so I’m going to keep her locked in the basement. (3) Always keep your partner close. Ah, the old ball and chain; exactly what I use to keep her from running. (4) If, whilst making out, you’ve accidentally smeared snot on her face, wipe it off by pretending to do a romantic face swipe. Or cum on her face and blend it all in.

(5) Don’t use Tumblr to express your emotions about each other. Tumblr isn’t a diary, you aren’t Anne Frank and your followers aren’t year 10 students in public schools. Don’t ever post anything on the internet you don’t want someone to read. It’s not like the internet is an underground movement. Google isn’t that difficult to figure out, trust me. (6) You should always hold doors open for women, it’s the polite thing to do. This rule does not apply to the toilet cubicle doors. Apparently you can be too polite. Who knew.

(7) Never suggest getting her mum in for a 3-way. Life doesn’t work like porn films. In fact, that’s a rule in itself; don’t ever fall into the delusion that your life is a porno. Porn doesn’t show what happens after sex. Like awkward silence for example. The apologising, the crying, then more apologising, and then leaving. It is irresponsible of pornos to act like everything is anal and bukkakes, when it’s mostly just self loathing & wanking.

(8) Texting is the purest form of communication. Remember, if she can’t convey tone, then she can’t be mad. And lastly, (9) never, ever, should you write an article for an alternative culture publication highlighting your ensuing ugliness & mixing odd love experiences from your past with joke ones. Because people might just believe everything they read and take it all a little too seriously.

Written by Christian Eva