Photo by Zoe Knecht
If you’ve been keeping up with cinema for the last five years, you would’ve noticed a lot of films revolving around an apocalyptic vision of the future. Or, films revolving around an apocalyptic vision of the future, with superheroes.
What we rarely see from movies and sometimes the news media, is a vision of the future where everything is just fine. It’s okay everyone, we may not have to live underneath, above or not on planet Earth.
If technology were a Pokémon, it would be Eevee because it has a capacity to evolve in so many different and creative ways incredibly quickly. With futuristic inventions like 3D Printing and Synthetic Biology becoming realities in our lifetime, imagine what the human race will achieve in the near future. Like, what are toothbrushes going to look like in 2030? Innovation doesn’t end at tongue-cleaners and cross-bristles, the way Colgate sells us shit we don’t need has just begun.
With Supermarkets already selling us petrol and insurance, I can’t wait until the day I can take money out of a Coles bank account to pay for my Aldi flight to Tesconesia. That’s if Google hasn’t already bought the sky by then.
Google Glass promises to change the way morons record other morons sculling beer and hurting themselves. Luckily, if you’re cool and individual like me, you may be able to even get them in Hipster Edition.
Music will be streamlined from now on, with innovator Robin Thicke paving the way for the future of the music industry. Even when we’re listening to music we’ll be watching porn. Soon the beat of the music will be designed to sync with the beat of your cock.
Sports will grow bigger in popularity as its athletes grow a completely justified and inflated sense of self-importance because they catch, throw or drop something at an elite level. This is good news for the human race as a whole, because it’ll give us perspective on how insignificant our achievements in our peasant lives are.
Global warming probably won’t happen. Batman, Thor or Al Gore will probably swoop in at the last second and save us. Sure, there might be a few more extreme weather events and polar icecaps melting, but that’s simply a message from God about how he feels about gay marriage in the western world. Sorry Maldives, but God is angry with some white dudes in England getting off with each other so your entire country has to be put underwater as punishment. Adding to that, the youth unemployment rate will go down as the extreme heat and extreme cold knocks off all the elderly.
Okay, maybe some grim predictions about the future may be true. As scientist and futurologist Suzanne Collins may have foreseen, the dystopian future could lie ahead of us. But regardless, I can’t help but feel like The Biggest Loser would be more entertaining if it had a bit more of a Hunger Games vibe to it, anyway.
So you see, the future will be dandy. It isn’t going to turn out like Mad Max, Elysium, I Am Legend, 28 Days Later, The Book Of Eli, Pacific Rim, This Is The End, Doomsday, 2012 or any of the other films I pulled off a list of apocalyptic films on Wikipedia. We’re going to lead a happy, conglomerate-dominated, moron-idolizing, technology-dependent, climate-changing, probably zombie-less, apocalypse free existence.
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