The YFH Guide to Splendour In The Grass

Every hipster worth their weight in Doc Martins will be descending upon Belongil Fields this weekend for Splendour in the Grass: a euphemism for a 3-day music festival that takes place on a mud flat. For the small price of a return flight to Bali, punters will rave to Lana Del Ray, The Smashing Pumpkins and Azealia Banks; camping in the backyards of friendly farmers with names like Rainbow Moonshine. This will all be fuelled by a wholesome diet of Mi Goreng, Red Bull and various other illicit substances lovingly cooked up in the home laboratory of a crusty bikie. But being a rookie at a festival so highly covered by Instagram can be social suicide, like making someone’s name your Facebook status instead of typing it into the search bar.  So for any Splendour virgins out there, I have kindly done a roundup of the essential products you will need to look like you just rolled up in your Kombi van straight from your permaculture commune.

Accessorising
Unlike at Stereosonic, your presence at Splendour in the Grass doesn’t require six months of pumping iron or application of half the MAC counter. Instead, headwear is what helps you and every single other person at the festival stand out. Girls, try wearing a floral headband. This will show that even though you went to a private school and vote for Tony Abbott, you’re still just a hippie at heart. Boys, go for a floppy felt hat from Sportsgirl. Pussy magnet-wise, they’re the hipster equivalent of a Unit sticker on your car. In terms of eyewear, you may be under the impression John Lennon was the Prime Minister before Julia Gillard, but this shouldn’t stop you from paying tribute to him by sporting his iconic sunglasses. You could even bring a guitar along too – all you’ll have to do is learn three chords and scream a bit and you’ll be eligible to join a swag of popular bands.

Using the Loo
Picture this: you’re moshing like a Belieber when suddenly, you are struck by the call of nature. If you’re a boy, you can simply pop your willy out and take a cheeky piss. But if you’re a girl, well, no one wants to be that chick who squatted at the Jack White gig, unless of course it was on his face. But rather than wading through the sea of people to find a Portaloo, why not use a Go Girl? It functions much like a disposable penis and allows you to pee whilst standing up. Because, as the product’s byline proudly proclaims, “Life’s greatest adventure shouldn’t be about finding a bathroom.” To cover up the splash, try simultaneously pouring the contents of your $12 UDL on the ground. It’s a massive sacrifice, but so is your dignity.

Capturing the Memories
Owning a set of analogue photos will give you real sense of self-achievement, like that time you beat your high score on Fruit Ninja. The best part about disposable cameras is that you don’t have to worry about how weird you will look with #nofilter, as due to the shitty quality of their manufacturing, every snap will automatically be overlayed with Earlybird or X-Pro II. Alternatively, you could bring along that $3000 Canon 50d you bought on your credit card despite having never taken a photography course in your life. At least it will make a nice necklace.

Storage of Non-Prescription Substances*
Everyone knows that sniffer dogs can’t smell through glad wrap. Or is it aluminium foil? Or water bombs? To be safe, just use all three and store their contents somewhere secret. Did I say store? I meant shelve.

Chewing Gum
You may feel like you’re on the set of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, but really, if the Inbetweeners featured a drug scene instead of a dry-humping scene, you would be it. A packet of Wrigley’s Extra can help. Chewing gum doesn’t just prevent you from masticating the inside of your cheeks off – it also ensures your breath stays fresh for dance floor hook ups: the next-best thing about music festivals after free Lipton Iced Tea.

 * we don’t condone this. If you take drugs you’ll get the plague and die.

______
Written by Gemma Clarke, the ex-Editor-In-Chief of Your Friend’s House. She currently runs an insanely cool website called Global Hobo. You can view her other articles here.