Photo by Elfi Olay
I hate 10 key things about Facebook. I’ve outlined them below.
1. Stupid Facebook Hacks
I am yet to see a ‘hilarious’ hack that doesn’t have anything to do with dicks or poo. I’m serious. During any drunken house party or late night club crawl, my dashboard is transformed into a (usually) homosexual karma sutra, Aussie bogan style. In regards to the excretion hack, I just hope that ‘slickest poo, didn’t even have to wipe’ is in fact a hack. To put all this simply – if you know you don’t have the gift of humor, resist.
2. Stupid Trolls Who Aren’t Funny
Trolling is an art. Here’s the analogy; A good troller can be as great as SBTRKT, masking talent in the intelligence and intricacies of their creation. A bad troller is like Skrillex – terrible, loud and somehow the focus of a large following of simple people. I don’t care if humor is subjective, saying ‘lol unicorns lol’ or ‘wattahead’, or just randomly quoting something sexist, is about as funny as an episode of Two and a Half Men. You just look like an idiot who can’t win arguments in real life and thus finds himself on the internet posting random bullshit to make yourself feel better about being a moron.
3. Stupid Obligatory Statuses
Sometimes it’s about tennis, sometimes it’s about the Facebook timeline ruining your ‘whole entire life’, sometimes it’s about Julia Gillard, sometimes it’s about Kony 2012, sometimes it’s about people not caring about Whitney Houston but posting about her anyway and, most recently, it’s about a Tupac hologram. The sweet, sweet bandwagon. Manufactured opinions to gain Facebook likes, or real deep revelations clogging my dash? You be the judge.
4. Stupid Obligatory Status’ About the Obligatory Status
More annoying than anything else is people who base their lives gaining Facebook likes. They have certain methods they constantly re-use. Usually this includes (1) doing number 3, (2) posting about food, (3) posting about how gross crocs are and (4), pointing out the bandwagon we’re all well aware of. WELL aren’t you clever; you’re going to get so many likes! Proud of you. Of course, not everyone who executes the above is a ‘like fiend’, but most of them are.
5. Stupid Weather Statuses
I don’t understand why you have to write ‘it’s rainy, I miss summer!’ 3 times a day. Thank-you for updating me 3 fucking times on something I can readily observe. You sound like Twitter.
6. Stupid Attention Seekers
‘I am so fat’ ,‘no-one knows the real me’, ‘can’t do this anymore’. HOLY SHIT, are you okay? Inbox me! No. Just no. Facebook, by popular opinion, is not your personal diary. Ditch the vaguebooking, get a Tumblr and put it on goddamn private.
7. Stupid Angsty Lyrics
‘I’m sick and tired of your reasons. I got no one to believe in. You tell me that you want me, then push me around, and I need you like a heartbeat’ … Okay. I really don’t have to elaborate on this. I am sorry the world is the way it is.
8. Stupid Selfies
I feel so weird. Your spray-tanned orange tits are on my screen. Lips all pouted. 24/7. I’m all for lovin’ yaself girl but this is just fucking weird. For the guys, the ab selfies get old too. I really just hate constant iPhone selfies, especially when it’s basically the same picture over and over again with a lame fucking caption about your eyes being starz. One time the old fat guy in front of me on the train was flicking through Facebook pictures of some chick, doing the usual ‘slutty selfie’ in which her boobs took up 200% more space than her face. He was saving them on his laptop. I love that warm fuzzy feeling when you become a 40 year old fat pervert’s wankbank!
9. Stupid Invites
Wow. I love being spammed to go to your event. All the invites, the messages, the uploads. You even changed your profile picture to it. Dedication. False. You’re killing off business faster than heatwave 2012 so just chill out. Constant promoter spam is not the way to go, friends. Its annoyingness is hand in hand with phone events by people who are too lazy to filter out their friends. You know those, ‘lost ma phone, can i have you number’ things?
10. Stupid Quasi-Academics and Dumb People
Finally, the two extremes of douchebagery. Did you pick up on the oxymoron in the heading? Awesome, don’t write 500 words about it. I despise people who write trilogy comments, i.e. spread out their essay response about their opinion via three + comments. Making sure they use convoluted sentences and nice big words to us ‘feeble minds.’ The problem with these ‘intellectual’ types is that they really don’t see things outside their own opinion as much as they preach, although I sometimes do agree with their opinions, their technique is pretty pretentious. Then there are just dumb people. Really dumb people. For whom I can’t even explain. Die Shannon 2012.
I suppose my day to day suffering is essentially my own fault. Facebook is just too hard to break up with. The entertainment, the laughter, the pity, the complete rage. Bottoms up.
______
Mridula Amin works for the ABC and writes great articles about topics you love to hate. You can read her back catalogue here.
_________
If you have a story that you'd like to share, please submit it here.
