Photo by Joyosity.
I met a girl at a bar last weekend who felt compelled to talk about how she only likes putting healthy things in her body (beside the obnoxiously large coconut cocktail she was drinking, of course). She spent five minutes talking to me about Kale. Oh, you like kale shakes? That’s fucking fascinating. Let me stop what I’m doing and listen to you talk about the shitty cousin of spinach like it’s your newborn child. Hold on, I’ll ask the DJ to turn the music down and you can educate the masses on your trendy little edible friend. Let’s meet up again next weekend to discuss this further. I couldn’t think of a better way to spend my Saturday than scrolling through pictures of kale-based recipes with you, then blending a leaf and drinking it in liquid form while we watch TED Talks. That sounds amazing. In fact, hold the line while I cancel any future plans of comparable fun, like poking myself in the eye with a stick or drinking battery acid.
The kale talk needs to stop. It can be the most super-superfood in the world, but it’s still a leaf and you eating it doesn’t make you some kind of Godly health wizard. I’m happy for the fitspo crowd to shovel all the greenery they want down their gullets, but if I see another recipe for kale chips on some obscure, hipster Tumblr, I’m going to fashion a noose out of Quinoa and say goodnight. At what point did some maniac deem kale a suitable alternative to potato when making chips? Who in their right mind shunned the carbohydrate heavy beauty of those brown balls of goodness and replaced them with the devilish weed that is kale. An addict, that’s who. A chino wearing, Rayban donning kale addict. Fucking kale.
You’re gravely confused if you think people take interest in your obsession with kale. Like your toilet routine, Miley Cyrus and other things people don’t want to hear about, keeping your love of shrubbery to yourself is easily the best option these days. Instead of uploading photos of kale salads, do the world a favour and go back to beating yourself senseless with celery sticks as punishment for exceeding your carb count.
Like heroin, kale makes the consumer become the consumed. It turns regular people into green eyed health advocates who think kale is somehow detached from the many other green vegetables that inhabit our inherently healthy planet. I’m not sure who deemed kale a superior leaf in comparison to lettuce or spinach, but there’s something about the chewy little fucker that has the trendy, foward thinking population tucking their erections into their belts.
Look, just put down the kale, and step away from the blender.
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Written by Sammy Attwood, the founder of Your Friend’s House. Follow him on Instagram.
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