Sort It Out

Photo by Emily Snelling

The following is a list of things that as a society we need to fix in order for humanity not to swan dive into a world of mediocrity and stupidity with Akon’s Smack That playing on loop in the background for eternity as a constant reminder of how bleak life really is.

People of the Internet: Stop putting asterisks on either side of a sentence to denote an action. No one can give asterisks that power. Besides which, the whole premise behind it is flawed, as you’re not actually doing the action in question, merely typing that you’re doing it within asterisks. *Tickles testicles gently*

Friends: Stop telling me to cheer up. I’m not unhappy – that’s just my face. I’m not a fucking Muppet; I was not born with a smile built into my jaw. Adding to this point, never tell me to calm down. I could be Zen as fuck, but you telling me to calm down will result in a nosebleed.

Bruno Mars: You get away with too much considering the hat-wearing sack of shit you are. The Pope even thinks the amount of hat-wearing you do is excessive. Everyone start criticising him a bit more.

Chris Brown: Featuring in a song called Beat It is not helping your cause. Sort it out, ya short-tempered dancy fucknut.

People of Australia: Stop forming political opinions on the basis of things you read on Facebook. I swear to God, the political party who makes their campaign poster a meme this election will win in a fucking landslide.

Everybody: Lay off Justin Bieber – in an age devoid of any rock stars, his ensuing ketamine-induced breakdown is the only rock and roll thing that’s going to happen this decade. I know he’s a cunt, but stop taking the piss out of him and get on board the JB OD bandwagon. It’ll be so much funnier this way.

Gay Marriage Lobbyists: It’s time to move your campaign away from Facebook. The people that vote aren’t 16-year-old bi-curious narcissists – they’re pensioners. Quit painting rainbows over my news feed and start painting them on bingo parlours. Everyone on Facebook is already on your side, champs.

Nightclub Bathroom Attendants: I don’t want a lollipop; this is a nightclub – I’m here to get laid. Unless you want to sell me a trench coat and a white transit van as well, it’s not going to help me with luring the girls. Move the fuck out of the way and re-think your life decisions.

Jennifer Lawrence: Keep it up. We all love you. Never change, ya fit bitch.

America: Stop expecting us to give a shit every time you blow someone’s head of with a semi-automatic weapon. There’s only so many times falling on your own sword can be newsworthy. From now on, as a rule, we’re just going to ignore you when you cry about a shooting. You don’t ever fucking learn; it’s not my problem.

National Masturbation Month: I know it’s for a good cause, but I’m fucking worn out. My cock hurts, and I don’t mean in a good S&M sorta way. A month of masturbation is just too much to handle. I’ve got other stuff on. I’m going to start cumming blood soon; please call the event off.

The Wind: Nobody likes you; get the fuck away from me and my hair. The only people that tolerate you are kite surfers, and they don’t deserve happiness. You’re my least favourite element, apart from maybe the element of surprise. So unexpected wind can get double fucked.

Candy Makers: Stop making banana flavoured candy. No one is digging the banana flavour; life is too short to be sifting through my Skittles packet to avoid the little yellow cunts. It should be just strawberry, apple, orange and purple flavoured. Don’t fuck about with the basics; I’m on a fucking schedule here.