So this is the story of how Oliver fucks a lady boy. And it’s a good ‘un.
Alice, Laura and I are celebrating my last night on the Thai Islands by going to a ladyboy cabaret. We’ve already been once and there are two in particular that are absolutely stunning; think look eight times when they walk down the street stunning.
This, of course, is not until after I’ve consumed a litre of the local whiskey (Samsong, with its odd taste of watery vanilla tequila) whilst watching Big Fish and almost crying at the end because of how drunk I already am. As we head to the cabaret, I meet a PHD student called Sophie. Excellent, I now have my last fuck in Asia lined up too.
The show is good – not as good as before, but still enjoyable. My mates and I down buckets together, and are on about three or four by the time it ends. At this point, Alice starts egging me on to kiss the hottest ladyboy. Now, sober I would say I’d probably do this; drunk and it’s like she’s told me the best idea ever. I HAVE to do this. So I wait for the cast to come out at the end and casually walk up and kiss this man/woman smoking babe. It was such an incredible kiss the Israelis stopped bombing the shit out of Palestine just to watch it (pictures to follow – of the kiss, not of peace in Palestine).
After this incredibly successful first encounter with a ladyboy, we move on to a bar where we meet more of our friends. Tilly (a girl whose name I now have tattooed on my foot) and I immediately start flirting in front of her very muscly Canadian fuckbuddy. Suddenly, drunk me realises that drinking, flirting and generally being a dick in this way will not end well. He’s a very nice guy, but is also very big. And I am VERY drunk.
Alice is still going on about me having to fuck a ladyboy, and has been doing so ever since that first kiss. Suddenly, something clicks. She’s RIGHT! That’s exactly what I should do! So I start aggressively telling Tilly to go and get me a ladyboy. One in particular catches my eye, and off Tilly goes. She brings her back to me and we immediately begin to Pidgin English flirt… or I drool on her. Possibly both.
After a while, I decide the time has come: I must fuck this ladyboy like he/she/it has never been fucked before. So off we go to the room that I share with Alice and Laura. On the way back we talk about all kinds of topics, from semantics to meta-ethics to how much this is going to cost me. A fair price is decided upon at 500 Baht (a tenner).
Once back in our room we start fucking, and it feels like anal sex. Which it is. With a guy. Which it is. Who has an incredibly small penis. Which he does. After about 20 minutes of vigorous fucking with the lights well and truly off I start to smell shit. Like, badly.
After turning the lights on and looking all over for the offending faeces but finding none, we keep fucking. After a while I get bored and ask for a rimjob, just to – you know – spice things up a bit. She declines, and after saying that I’m the one paying she still refuses. I call her “the worst whore ever”. After this I decide it’s time to cum, which I do by tossing myself off as she has no idea what the fuck to do with a penis over two inches long.
After I cum, I get out some money and try to give her it. She starts screaming in Thai that because we fucked for a while it costs double. I protest, and tell her to get the fuck out with 500 Baht or nothing. She gets the message (I think) and starts to move towards the door. I relax, thinking this experience/ordeal is over. Then… BANG.
I look up and realise she has hit me over the head with an umbrella and it’s sailing down towards my cock as we speak (we weren’t speaking at the time, obviously). I deftly jerk my body into some form of defensive position and the umbrella cracks off my shin, splitting the skin and bending the umbrella in a banana like way. She begins to run.
I slam the door shut and bring my newly bought machete out of the bag and cower in a manly way on Alice’s bed waiting for her and her pimps to come and kill me. After 20 minutes of this incredibly brave attitude I realise I should warn Alice, as I’m so drunk I can’t remember if the ladyboy killing machine saw us together or not.
I start to run down towards the bar areas where I bump into Sophie (PHD girl). After beginning to tell her the story of why I’m bleeding, covered in sweat, holding a machete and smell like shit I begin to see that old familiar look of Abject Disgust.
I walk away. Stuck up bitch. Then I run into ladyboy killing machine. I run terrified back to our room where I wait, hand on machete until Laura and Alice walk in the room. It would be nice to say this is where it ended, but the ladyboy also robbed 1000 Baht from Laura’s bag. Crafty whore!
The moral? Don’t leave umbrellas in the room you want to fuck a ladyboy in.
Written by Oliver O’Neill
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