I Breastfed Until I Was Three

Photo by Ashley Lempiala

My mum breastfed me until I was three. Think about what you were doing three years ago, and grasp how much time has elapsed since then. For that entire period, I sucked glorious milk out of my mum’s boobs. She has no shame in telling people this, and neither do I. I don’t care that I could walk. I don’t care that I could form sentences and hold conversations. I don’t care that Mum would put breast milk onto my Weetbix and warm it in the microwave.

My mother and I proudly tell how I was an aggressive little tucker when it came to obtaining what I needed from her body. Having worked closely with Aboriginal people, Mum raised me unawares of crass Western terminology such as tits, breasts, happy sacks, chimichongas, love melons and snuggle pups, referring to them exclusively under their indigenous name of ‘Mimi’. In the middle of the night I would call out, demanding with conviction, “MUM, I WANT THE MIM!” After disposing of one milk jug, I would stare up at her and squint my eyes before instructing her that it was time. “Other one,” I would tell her, and deliver a violent headbutt right in the knockers.

Although it’s not something that I go around waving on a flag (nipple coloured), it does, at times, come up naturally in conversation with people; for example:

“What did you do today?”
“Oh, worked, went to the shops, met John for a coffee at that new place down the corner. It’s actually pretty cool.”
“Yeah, awesome; did you know I breastfed till I was three?”

The response is always the same. Eyes widen, heads drop and they look at you as if you just said you masturbate with a rusty coat hanger.

“Seriously?”

Seriously. And I’m tired of everyone thinking that it’s indicative of a troubled childhood, or that my mum’s real name is actually Flo. Actually, dickheads, it’s something to be proud of. If you disagree with me, take this into consideration first.

There’s a plethora of reasons why you should aim to get as much of that liquid gold from your mum as possible. Aside from the fact it’s a perfect concoction of every protein, nutrient, vitamin and fat to ensure the development of a healthy child, there’s a couple of other things you probably didn’t know about the benefits of breastfeeding.

1. Babies are born with no immunity. When a baby’s fragile new body contracts a virus, it passes it back to its mother while chowing down on her nipples. She develops the immunity and passes it back to her kid through her breast milk. That’s crazy. That’s some interesting biological shit right there.

2. Don’t listen to Outkast. The shit of a baby who has been breastfed will smell less foul then that of a baby who hasn’t. Three years of that milky goodness has meant my arse and everything that passes through it smells like a bouquet of fresh fucking roses.

3. Breastfed babies have better jaw alignment and are less likely to need orthodontic work as they get older. So every time some ripped spunk/any old queen in a k-hole at a beat gets the opportunity of a lifetime to suck face with me and my pearly whites, they have my mother and her mammary nutrients to thank.

4. Healthy social development is more common in kids who are breastfed. When all my friends and all you people out there call me a freak because I breastfed while I was learning how to catch a football, remember that I’m probably more socially advanced than you. Think about that the next time you’re standing awkwardly at a nightclub wondering if you could have Asperger’s. You probably have your mother and the lack of 36-months-worth of breast milk she deprived you from to blame.

5. If you get formula instead of Mumma’s vanilla shake, you have to use cow’s milk. Using cow’s milk increases bovine flatulence, one of the leading greenhouse gases. Basically, if you aren’t breastfed, you are single-handedly responsible for climate change and global warming and the impending doom of human beings and their disposition from the face of planet earth. Those poor little polar bears: they didn’t deserve to lose their icy homes because you were too proud to be an advanced toilet-user and require manual feeding from your mother at the same time. Selfish, really. Cheers.

It’s not weird that I breastfed for so long. It’s not even that long – three years. It’s just seems extravagant by the unjustified social standard put forth by conservatives and bitches who look like Pauline Hanson that are ashamed of getting their knockers out in public.

Don’t subscribe to such absurdity – it’s perfectly natural.