Do you find yourself scratching your head when it comes to gift time, struggling to choose between a Snuggie and some cute Croc accessories? Well, why not get your loved one a magazine subscription instead? From the specially-picked selection below, you should have no trouble finding something to make your nearest and dearest clap their hands with joy, no matter their taste. Or lack thereof. And what’s more, so long as publications this fine are gracing our newsstands, you can rest assured that print journalism is not dead.
Conservative Teen
Perfect for: Rebellious children
As society continues to plunge into a world of legalised abortions, racial equality and gay rights, one magazine’s morals remain steadfast. Consider Conservative Teen a modern bible, sent to save prematurely-geriatric Aryan youths from succumbing to sin. In its most recent issue, the rag exposed the rampant sexuality behind the G-rated musical series Glee: a show where “half the teenagers are sexually confused and the other half are sleeping around”. Other hip articles explained the scientifically-proven benefits behind abstinence and educated readers about liberals: that nasty breed of human who “[make] mascots of the unproductive.”
Girls and corpses
Perfect for: That pervy uncle who always tries to grope you at Christmas parties
Desperate schoolgirls can crush on vampires and nerds can plot how to survive a zombie apocalypse, so what’s so wrong with a bit of necrophilia? Girls and Corpses is sort of like Playboy meets Night of the Living Dead, and covers good clean fun like skull bowling, corpse commitment issues and gory porn spoofs, such as ‘The Real Houseflies of Cemetery Hills’. Founder Robert Rhine feels he’s tapped into a much sought after market and explains, “If you’re like me, you like two things, beautiful girls and rotting corpses. So…why not bring these two great tastes together in one magazine?” And yes, the cadavers are real, though aside from the few that fall off the back of a truck, most are shipped from Guam and Eastern China, where the laws on human rights are slightly more lax.
Renaissance magazine
Perfect for: Old fogeys
Do your parents live in the past? Well, why not let them with a subscription to Renaissance Magazine! This Middle-Ages themed journal caters to wannabe medieval princes and princesses, and runs features on castle lore, rabbit stew, themed weddings and extreme sports like camel wrestling. The ‘Ye Olde Classifyds’ section is particularly charming, selling chainmail suits and jewel-encrusted swords and advertising for anyone keen to participate in a spot of full-costume jousting. Encourage Mum and Dad to buy up big – you’ll have such fun going through airport security.
Miniature Donkey Talk
Perfect For: Animal lovers
This monthly publication provides a forum for donkey lovers to share their enthusiasm for adorable lil’ horsies: the very creature ridden by Jesus Christ. It discusses everything from hoof trimming techniques to the more controversial, “Is your new donkey a hermaphrodite?” Readers often even submit their own articles, such as Kentucky woman Dorothy Board. Her story ‘A Mother’s Last Kiss’ appeared in the April issue, and was a poignant tale written in broken English from the perspective of a miniature donkey about its dead mum. According to its website, people rave about Miniature Donkey Talk, and it has four times greater distribution that any small donkey publication! Which is strange, because 4 x 0 still equals zero…
Bacon Busters
Perfect For: Your cousin with the Southern Cross tattoo
If you’re Australian and you get your news from 60 minutes, drink VB, think Kyle Sandilands is hilarious and enjoy a spot of pig shooting, chances are you will adore this magazine. Although it was originally only published once a year, popular demand has resulted in it becoming a quarterly gazette filled with pig-dog profiles, rifle advertisements and advice on how 
to run over a hog without damaging your car. Sorry Pumba. Its rustic charm peaks in its annual ‘Babes & Boars’ calendar – twelve whole months of gun-toting Sheilas in bikinis standing over bloodied pigs. Looks great stuck up on the back of your toilet door.
High times
Perfect for: Yourself
When this magazine was first published in 1974, it was intended to be a one-off joke that basically just lampooned Maxim by substituting porn for weed. Unsurprisingly, it was an instant success, despite the majority of its audience generally being too stoned to read. Today, High Times strongly advocates the legalisation of marijuana, advises on growing “big yields in small spaces”, runs travel features on smoking abroad and even has centrefold posters featuring the month’s best cannabis plant. A range of celebrities have graced the cover, including notable potheads James Franco, Damien Marley and Jack Black. Best enjoyed with a bud(dy).
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Written by Gemma Clarke, the ex-Editor-In-Chief of Your Friend’s House. She currently runs an insanely cool website called Global Hobo. You can view her other articles here.
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