![](\"https:\/\/cdn-images-1.medium.com\/max\/800\/1*mMCnURLS86zCxf8jyIJIbg.jpeg\")
<\/div>\nI had no idea how open things really were. I met him right at his place rather than going for drinks, because we both decided we wanted an exciting and anonymous inaugural experience. Because of the nature of how we got in touch, we both knew we were going to have sex the first time we met. The difference between this situation and other experiences I\u2019ve had was that we wanted to avoid the generic dinner date and simply get down to business. So we just skipped that part. We were meeting to fuck, and initially, that\u2019s all it was going to be.<\/p>\n
When he met me outside his condo I was happy with my decision. He was tall and muscular, with dark blonde hair, a scruffy beard, and a loose scarf tied around his neck. Classy, but unpretentious. He put his hand on my back as we walked upstairs. It didn\u2019t take long before he had me bent over his leather sofa\u2013 inspecting my body carefully\u200a\u2014\u200acalculating his next move. He forced me down on my knees, and things progressed quickly from there.<\/p>\n
The beginning of our encounter was fierce and fiery. He had me tied up in ways I\u2019d never even imagined. He was rough and aggressive\u200a\u2014\u200athrowing me around like a rag doll, just how I like it. He played on the fact that I was fucking a stranger too. Made me feel how truly promiscuous and \u2018easy\u2019 I was being. And sometimes I\u2019m into that kind of thing. On occasion I like to be recognised for my dirty mind and sexual nature.<\/p>\n
But then when it came to the physical sex, we experienced some difficulty. My new friend wasn\u2019t able to achieve a full erection. While this is something I\u2019ve definitely witnessed many times before, it\u2019s a bit different when it happens with a guy who is explicitly \u201cdominant\u201d. No judgement on my end though. I\u2019m totally fine with it as first encounters can be difficult to navigate. I just wish I could have helped, you can\u2019t really do much when you\u2019re tied up on your stomach without the use of your hands, mouth or anything else for that matter.<\/p>\n
So naturally the fire subsided a bit, but we still had a good time exploring each other. The chemistry we experienced was undeniable. He was a little embarrassed, but still confident, which I liked. And I was completely unfazed, which he liked. All in all, it was a great night, even if there wasn\u2019t much of the hot and heavy stuff we originally planned for.<\/p>\n
After a couple hours, we finished off in his bedroom. I had a moment of clarity and looked up at his walls, completely bare except for a jewellery hanger filled with gold, silver and turquoise necklaces.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat are those necklaces for?\u201d I asked. I already knew the answer.<\/p>\n
\u201cI was going to tell you about that,\u201d he said, \u201cBut it got tricky once we decided this was going to be an anonymous experience.\u201d<\/p>\n
He went on to tell me he\u2019s married\u200a\u2014\u200ain an open relationship with his wife.<\/p>\n
My mind went blank and my immediate reaction was to run. I did not imagine that being with a married man was something I could ever accept, or even wanted to for that matter. I never wanted to be the \u201cadd-on girl\u201d that people used to relieve their sexual urges. Not to mention, the sex wasn\u2019t all I\u2019d hoped it would be\u2026 yet.<\/p>\n
I put on my knee-high socks and black skirt, skip the panties (special orders), and headed for the door. But somehow he got me to stay. I\u2019m glad that he did because the conversation that followed opened my mind in a very big way.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat\u2019s the worst that could happen?\u201d he asked, \u201cAre you scared you\u2019re going to fall in love with me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course not,\u201d I said. But the truth was, that\u2019s exactly what I was scared of. How could I ever develop a relationship or real feelings for someone who was already in a committed relationship with another person?<\/p>\n
That night we talked about how love doesn\u2019t have to be a finite resource. We talked about how someone can love multiple family members and friends at the same time, and that doesn\u2019t take away from how much they love each person individually. We talked about jealousy and how it appears to stem largely from insecurity and fear.<\/span> For instance, I might be upset that my partner slept with someone else because I\u2019m scared they might have been better than me. Maybe that person is prettier, maybe that person is more skilled in bed, maybe that person can give them something I can\u2019t. We discussed the potential solution of giving partners the freedom to be with other people, and addressing fear and jealousy internally. At the end of the conversation, I told him I understood and largely agreed with his point of view, but that it wasn\u2019t something I was sure I wanted or could handle.<\/p>\n Fast-forward about five months and surprise\u200a\u2014\u200awe\u2019re in love. Like, really in love. Now comes the hard part\u200a\u2014\u200acoming to terms with two big changes in my life: 1. My boyfriend is married, 2. I guess that makes me polyamorous too.<\/p>\n Briefly, polyamory means forming intimate, loving, sexual relationships with more than one person at a time. I believe the difference between this and the current state of dating is that you\u2019re actually honest about it. In theory, polyamorous people talk about EVERYTHING in an open, clear and straightforward way. And that\u2019s the thing\u200a\u2014\u200aover the past few months, I\u2019ve discovered many wonderful things about polyamorous relationships: the honesty, communication and directness are highlights for me.<\/p>\n But the reality of my relationship is that it\u2019s hard. Not only does my boyfriend live with his wife, but he\u2019s truly free to sleep with, get to know and fall in love with whoever he wants. It hasn\u2019t happened yet, but it could. Putting the jealousy piece aside for now\u200a\u2014\u200athis shit is logistically complex. The other day he introduced me to his coworker as his \u201cfriend who lives in the area\u201d because that particular coworker knows he is married. Whenever we spend time together at his place, it also has to line up with his wife\u2019s schedule.<\/p>\n The usually exciting process of introducing my new partner to my friends and family has been quite difficult too. I would compare it to a \u201ccoming out\u201d of sorts. I\u2019ve chosen to tell very few people about the reality of this relationship\u200a\u2014\u200amy best friend and my brother are the only two. That\u2019s because I know how it looks from the outside. It looks pathetic\u200a\u2014\u200alike I\u2019m settling for less than I deserve, or that maybe I don\u2019t think I deserve better. That isn\u2019t the case, but deep philosophical discussions about relationships are just too much to get into with every person in my life. So I mostly stay quiet about it.<\/p>\n Then there\u2019s the jealousy part. When I think of my boyfriend fucking his wife, however infrequent it may be, it really hurts. I\u2019m not one of those people who are immune to jealousy\u200a\u2014\u200awho can brush it off and go on with their day. It eats away at me. The feeling extends past fucking, by the way. When I think of him sharing the intimacy he gives to me to someone else, it\u2019s a shock to the system. Like a cold shower on an even colder day.<\/p>\n One night he said something to me that\u2019s a pretty common phrase in the polyamorous community: \u201cjealousy is simply fear of loss\u201d. I agree that\u2019s part of it, but there has to be more to it than that, right? Just because something intellectually makes sense, doesn\u2019t mean I can just neatly file it away in the appropriate corner of my brain for it to never have any effect on me again. I feel jealousy often, no matter how insignificant or silly the situation might be. Whenever I feel it though, I tell him, and he\u2019s just as supportive and helpful as I always imagined he would be. He reassures me that our relationship is special, and the things I bring to his life are things that no one else could give him. Sometimes he feels pangs of jealousy too, and I\u2019ll always respond in exactly the same way.<\/p>\n Picture: unsplash.com<\/p>\n To date, my strategy for fighting jealousy is to focus on what I\u2019m gaining in this relationship rather than what I\u2019m losing. A polyamorous lifestyle has opened my world to the possibility of looking at all people as having the potential for love, sex, intimacy or friendship. I like it because it establishes honesty as the framework for a successful relationship and it grants me the freedom to explore whatever I want without having to hide or give up other parts of my intimate life. In a way, it sort of feels like having my cake and eating it too.<\/p>\n One thing I\u2019m actively trying to avoid is dating other people merely as a reaction to feeling jealous about my boyfriend. I have the freedom to build my life with whoever I want, but I find it really challenging to avoid going on a date or sleeping with someone new just because I need to distract myself. I want to add people to my life because they bring value, not because they fill a hole (no pun intended).<\/p>\n In the beginning when my boyfriend and I spoke less about the specific boundaries of our relationship, I was dating him as well as other people and we didn\u2019t really talk about it. But now I only regularly spend time with him and a girlfriend of mine (her boyfriend joins sometimes too, which is fun). We\u2019ve now created a rule to tell each other whenever we want to date someone else, but that desire simply hasn\u2019t sparked yet for me. Right now I feel really satisfied with what I have: a loving, sexually fulfilling primary relationship with some variety on the side. And by variety, I mostly mean girls.<\/p>\n On that note, over the past few months I\u2019ve gotten to explore a lot of new things. I\u2019ve been able to sleep with women and couples for the first time, had sex in public bathhouses and watched my boyfriend make out with my girlfriend (unfortunately she was not down for a threesome). In October I\u2019m attending an all-female orgy (I\u2019m a little scared for that one)\u200a\u2014\u200athe list goes on. And yes, apparently you can sign up for all-female orgies several months in advance\u200a\u2014\u200atalk about anticipation. It\u2019s been a lot of fucking fun. Really, this all would have never happened for me if I hadn\u2019t been introduced to the polyamorous community. The best part is, I haven\u2019t had to trade fun, excitement and novelty for love, support and affection. I get both, regardless of whether he might give these things to someone else too.<\/p>\n So rather than focusing on what he does with his time, I\u2019m trying to focus on the excitement and liberation that I get to experience in my own life. This situation has helped me live in the moment more\u200a\u2014\u200ato appreciate each minute I spend either with him, or enjoying my own sexual adventures, while trying to avoid the trap of projecting our relationship into the future. Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn\u2019t. Would I like our relationship to last? Of course, but I have no idea whether that will happen or what that will look like if it does. However, isn\u2019t that the case with monogamous relationships too? Nothing is guaranteed.<\/p>\n Regardless of what happens, I\u2019ll take a lot of the lessons I\u2019ve learnt thus far into any future relationships, whether they\u2019ll be monogamous or polyamorous. As an example, I\u2019ve come to learn that relationships ebb and flow. We\u2019re always changing and so are our relationships. The expectation of a perfect \u201cforever\u201d situation has really taken a back seat for me and I find that super liberating. I\u2019ve been surprised to see how happy I can be even during some of the most uncertain times.<\/p>\n Another lesson I\u2019ve learnt is about jealousy. I now see jealousy more as something that I can acknowledge and potentially overcome rather than a complete deal breaker. Jealousy seems a lot less scary to me now, whereas before I avoided the feeling like the plague, to the point of ending perfectly good relationships over it. Now when I feel jealous, I try to remind myself that typically the idea of something or someone creating jealousy is a lot less terrible than the reality of it.<\/p>\n And finally, the biggest lesson I\u2019ve learnt is that there\u2019s no \u2018normal\u2019 when it comes to sex or relationships. I\u2019ve been inspired by how open and loving people can be. I mean, my boyfriend\u2019s wife is now open to meeting me, which blows my mind. I\u2019m still not there yet, but having seen that level of confidence and acceptance will impact my relationships with both friends and lovers in the future.<\/p>\n In the end, I have no idea where I\u2019ll be. Maybe with a husband and four kids in a little house in the country. Maybe with four boyfriends and a cat in a giant commune in the city (just kidding). Even though I enjoy the excitement and sexual variety that\u2019s possible in polyamorous relationships, I\u2019m not sure I want to give myself emotionally to more than one person at the same time. What genuinely excites me is now I can see a world full of exciting scenarios to choose from outside the model of one partner fits all: options that include kinky sex, vanilla sex, men, women, romantic love, affection and companionship. And even though it\u2019s all kind of scary, it still feels pretty fucking great.<\/p>\n _________<\/p>\n Originally published on\u00a0Cambyo<\/a>. Cambyo is a collection of trailblazers who share stories and struggles to help people develop their intimate lives. Sign up for their\u00a0free newsletter<\/span><\/a>\u00a0so you can continue the journey of learning about intimacy through real stories.<\/span><\/p>\n![](\"https:\/\/cdn-images-1.medium.com\/max\/800\/1*0var5_lzyeUd4zco4Uk0hA.jpeg\")
Picture: unsplash.com<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/figure>\n![](\"https:\/\/cdn-images-1.medium.com\/max\/800\/1*FAK_76Gf5OlGEiyEFTeYaQ.jpeg\")
<\/div>\n![](\"https:\/\/cdn-images-1.medium.com\/max\/800\/1*BF0StWrZvz0JEPlSPGiwuQ.jpeg\")
<\/p>\n![](\"https:\/\/cdn-images-1.medium.com\/max\/800\/1*woi3yXe_xIqm5-fGvJcSqw.jpeg\")
Picture: unsplash.com<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/figure>\n![](\"https:\/\/cdn-images-1.medium.com\/max\/800\/1*FwaBXqDALFO_I2ZJ_FaJow.jpeg\")
<\/div>\n