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Man Gets ‘Stress Relieving Toy’ Stuck Up His Arse

This, people, is why we can’t have nice things: because if we did, we’d probably stick them up our arse. Fidget spinners are the latest addition to the seemingly endless list of inanimate objects humans are willing to shaft, apparently, after a man from Boise, Idaho let his sexual curiosity get the better of him.

If you don’t know what a fidget spinner is, don’t worry – neither do we, really. But the general idea seems to be that it’s a kind of ‘stress-relieving toy’, intended to be flicked, spun, and please for the sake of God not put in your bottom because I’m telling you right now you won’t be able to get it out of there and that’s not doing anything for your stress levels.

This 27-year-old hot shot found that out the hard way when the device became irretrievably lodged in his anal cavity, forcing him to scream ‘medic’.

“I just heard this god-almighty scream coming from his house, so we rushed over and banged on the door,” said the man’s neighbour, a 52-year-old codger who’s too old for this shit. “He let us in and was clutching his behind. I asked him: ‘what’s wrong?’ and he just choked out that he needed an ambulance.”

The act of ‘choking out’ an ambulance request suggests catastrophic levels of pain, and unsurprisingly so: medical staff later found the not-at-all suppository-shaped fidget spinner lodged so tightly in the anal cavity that they had to operate to remove it.

“We tried a number of lubrication methods but in the end we were forced to make an incision to remove the device,” said one of the surgeons involved.

A relative of the poor sap confirmed that the man was basically using the toy to pleasure himself – successfully at first – but flew too close to the sun when he tried to insert it deeper into his anus. Hospital staff suspect he must have slipped and pushed it beyond the point of no return.

Medical experts are urging people to err on the side of caution when using their fidget spinners, and to not use them for unintended purposes. Of course, they didn’t specifically say “Don’t put them in your bum”, so if that’s not quite black-and-white enough for you then let this story be a warning.
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Source: Focus Times
Feature image: Groupon

Categories: Uncategorized
Gavin Butler: