Babysitting is the easiest way to make money after dealing drugs. If you combine the two, you’ll be rolling in it in no time. We’ve devised a completely serious five point list of ways to make your time in a stranger’s house looking after kids you hate as easy as possible. Combine for best results.
1. Fall into a deep sleep.
This is the most important tip of the bunch. If you can fall asleep, nothing else matters. Taking an extended nap is remarkably better than options two and three, and it’s also easier on the kids, giving them creative freedom to do whatever the fuck they want. It also means you don’t need to feed them, clean up their poo or spend hours cheating in games of Monopoly while you sext your ex-girlfriend. If the worst case scenario comes around and they get into the medicine cabinet, you can blame falling asleep on them spiking your glass of whiskey with a handful of benzodiazepines.
2. Take drugs.
If you can’t fall asleep, taking a tonne of illegal drugs is the next best thing. Smoking weed is your best option. You puffing down the herb in the garden is no different to their dad bashing back cigarettes after a hard days work; easy as anything to get away with. You’ll be mellow and chilled, but if something goes wrong and you have to think on your feet, shit’s going to go downhill. Keep away from ecstasy. It’s all fun and games when you’re embracing your best mate in a nightclub, telling him how much you love him under a veil of euphoria, but a five-year-old telling their parents you didn’t stop hugging them is a surefire entry into criminal court. It’s no surprise that having the ‘paedophile’ box ticked on your criminal record makes it super hard to get babysitting gigs.
3. Practice your cooking skills.
The best time to practise your cooking is in the comfort of your own home, alone, at 2am in the morning. The next best thing is in a stranger’s home for a few kids you don’t care about who are too young to shoot down your Masterchef dreams.
4. Invite friends over.
If you’re babysitting at a decent pad, make the most of it. Invite a bunch of friends around and drink tonnes of beer while listening to explicit rap loud enough to annoy the neighbours. Shuffle the kids into the guest room, give them a few permanent markers, grin and say, “Play time.” That will keep them occupied for hours.
5. Tell the children Santa isn’t real.
If you tell the children that Santa isn’t real, the last thing they’re going to do when their parents get home is complain about the fact you didn’t feed them.