I love hypothetical, scenario based games. My first date questions rarely consist of “where did you go to school?” or “what are your hopes and dreams?” Instead, I sit down to a nice dinner with a perfectly pleasant and normal human being, stare them down from across the table and ask “would you rather die from drowning or being burned alive?” And I can always be relied upon at a party or on an excruciatingly long car ride to come up with some of the most bizarre ‘would you rather’ scenarios that make people so fraught with internal conflict they would rather throw themselves off a bridge into a pool of cat urine than answer my question.
Even though these games seem frivolous, I stand by them as an excellent method of getting to know somebody. Nothing will reveal a person’s true characteristics, beliefs and ideals more than presenting them with a list of three random celebrities and asking them to kill one, marry one and fuck one. So I’ve decided to reveal myself to the world by undertaking several ‘kill-marry-fuck’ challenges and justifying my answers. And no, unfortunately suicide is not an option.
Bill Clinton, George Bush and Barack Obama:
KILL – George Bush: Well, this one is just blatantly obvious. During his two (two!?!?!) terms as president, I often fantasised longingly about how I would dispose of this dim-witted, bigoted buffoon if I was presented with the chance. My favourite option was tying a gummy worm to the back of a remote control car with a piece of invisible string, driving it past him on the street and having him eagerly chase the lolly until I eventually drive the car into a vat of sulphuric acid. Or a lesbian bar. I feel like both options would result in him receiving equal amounts of pain.
FUCK – Bill Clinton: Again, so obvious. Maybe I wouldn’t want to knock boots with present day Bill Clinton, who looks as though he has replaced unwinding with a nightly glass of scotch with a 5pm Metamucil, but in his heyday that guy was all kinds of arousing. He has the throaty, husky voice of a late night radio DJ who only plays slow jams and after every song says “awwww yeeeeah”. Plus, you know if ultra-feminist Hilary stuck around after his fellatio indiscretions he must be pretty good in the sack. That beast would be hard to tame.
MARRY – Barack Obama: I want this for so many reasons. Firstly, caramel-coloured babies. Secondly, I don’t think I’d mind living in the White House and sending an assistant out for a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice-cream at one in the morning. Thirdly, Barack Obama is kind of a fox. The guy can sing, he seems to have a decent sense of humour and his sticky-out ears fulfil that secret part of me that nurtures a monkey fetish. Also, did I mention caramel-coloured babies?
Oprah Winfrey, Tyra Banks and Judge Judy:
KILL – Tyra Banks: Tyra, I feel bad for you, girl. Once upon a time when you were a young, skinny-yet-busty model on the covers of Sports Illustrated and Victoria’s Secret, you could’ve had any man you desired. Now, with America’s Next Top Model and your god awful talk show, the whole world knows just what a crazy bitch you are. You become outrageously excited over Vaseline, your forehead is the size of an IMAX screen and you seem to have a different weave every season of ANTM. You deserve to get hypothetically murdered by me in this scenario.
MARRY – Oprah Winfrey: As incredibly annoying as this lady is, she is rich. So rich that comically large cartoon dollar signs are appearing in place of my eyes as I write this. I would love to wake up every morning, have Oprah standing over me screaming and making frantic hand gestures as she proclaims “Look under your bed! It’s the keys to your neeeewwwwww caaaarrrrrrr!”
FUCK – Judge Judy: I feel like after spending only one night with Judge Judy my sexual proficiency will have increased dramatically. This old cow tells it like it is. If you were doing something she didn’t enjoy she would bang her gavel against your skull and demand that you stop. It would be even more amazing if the hulking black bailiff was standing silently in the corner of the room watching us go at it.
Snooki, Kim Kardashian and any of The Real Housewives:
KILL – The Real Housewives: This decision is mostly based upon the fact that I would hopefully get to kill multiple Housewives and not just one. I would gather all The Real Housewives from across America in one location under the guise of a televised reunion special. Then, I would reveal that they were actually there to fight to the death Hunger Games style. The last woman standing will receive a commemorative plaque and an excessively large bunch of flowers. And then I’ll stab her in the face with her own stiletto.
MARRY – Kim Kardashian: I’ve always had a secret desire to break a world record, so I’m thinking Kim and I could go for the ‘shortest celebrity wedding ever’. You thought 72 days was short? Try 72 hours! 72 minutes, even. Game on, Pamela and Tommy Lee.
FUCK – Snooki: I really don’t want to do this. My only consolation is that we’d both likely be so messed up after a night of drinking, scrag-fighting and fist-pumping that I wouldn’t even remember it. And thankfully, I’ve heard Chlamydia is pretty easy to treat these days. In fact, it would probably be easier to get rid of an STI than to remove the second-hand fake tan that would no doubt have seeped into my skin after a night of passion with this Guido gremlin.
Written by Soph Kassay, a legend with an infatuation for Danielle Haim. She’s raw and honest and throws you everything you want and more. Read her other articles here.