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The YFH Guide To Uni Exams

Photo by ytsirkgaunt

It’s that time of year again. Students nationwide are Instagramming photos of mi goreng, math equations and study sessions (orgies). Your Facebook feed is filled with desperate youths, all trying to get their hands on the latest edition of a textbook they were supposed to buy five months ago. Instead of being offered weed on the street, you’re offered crack revision notes for a tenner. You see kids sleeping on the sidewalk, having been kicked out by their parents because they failed Financial Management for the third time. Life is tough, but convincing people you know stuff is tougher. That’s right, it’s final exam time, and whether you’re in school or uni, shit is about to get seriously fucked. So, for all of you with the heavy burden of academia on your shoulders, here’s just one more piece of procrastination: the YFH Guide to Uni Exams.

Textbooks
Unless you’re one of the few who have possessed a textbook for the entire semester, you’re probably scrambling about for any sort of literary guidance. But you’ve already failed your mid-semester’s, so what’s a few more reiterations of a definition going to do to help? Not a lot, but it’s probably better than nothing. You have a few options here: stealing, borrowing or buying, but buying isn’t really on the cards unless you’re on Centrelink or have rich parents. I have, however, found many a textbook in the university library, literally just sitting idly alone on desks. This may not be ‘condoned’ or ‘moral’ or ‘ethical’, but if you don’t want to repeat your course, you’ve got to make some sacrifices. Alternatively, if you have a doormat-like friend, you could convince them to lend you their textbook during the most critical time of the year.

Revision Notes
It’s common knowledge that revision notes can be bought and sold, just like it’s common knowledge that you can buy and sell your own vagina if you want. Do you want to be a prostitute? Didn’t think so. Do yourself a favour, and if it’s the only study you do, write a few pages of revision notes. It’s honestly step one in education, and if you didn’t already know this I don’t think there’s any helping you now.

Tutorials/Lectures
Unfortunately, if you didn’t attend your lectures or tutorials, there’s probably not a whole lot you can do. With only two or so weeks left of semester, I doubt you can cram in 20 hours of lectures and 13 hours of one-on-one tutoring (and that’s per subject). Print out the lecture notes and sleep with them under your pillow, and pray to God that osmosis is real.

Food
Don’t eat that disgusting processed paste that hides under the veil of Mi Goreng. It’ll turn your brain into the very same disgusting processed paste you are consuming. At least do the easiest task on this list and make yourself some healthy and nutritious swotvac meals. Count it as procrastination, or something. A healthy brain needs to be nourished, and I can absolutely vouch that Cheese ‘n’ Bacon Shapes have less vitamins than the cardboard packing box you’ll need when your parents kick you out of home for failing uni again.

Exercise
This is a tricky one. I’m going to start off with saying: exercise every day, even if it’s just a walk outside. Moving your body gets the blood flowing and the heart pumping (lol rly) and this is good for your brain yada yada yada. But if, like me, you have 20 hours of lectures and 13 hours of one-on-one tutoring to catch up on, exercise is really on the back foot. As a compromise, I sometimes stretch my legs out from underneath the bed covers when studying. You are most welcome to try this tip.

Good luck fellow students!

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Written by Grace Bullen, who is the ex-Creative Director of Your Friend’s House. She’s a socially and culturally aware human who has done thang’s for brands like Everland Clothing and The Arcade Creative. Read her past articles here.

Categories: Short & Sharp
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