The Modern Festival Bro

The festival bro is a dangerous species. He’s the guy at the festival who’s prepped himself in the months prior, tanned up, hit the gym hard and made sure his hair gels packed on enough to account for any changes in wind direction or the possibility of a mini tornado. He won’t have a shirt on and neither will his friends, which only makes it more awkward when you’ve got to walk past him in a mosh pit. The thing is, his level of confidence has him convinced you’ll actually be blessed if he sweats on you or accidentally fist pumps you in the face. “Sorry bruss” he’ll yell, chewing his bottom lip like it owes him money, nodding furiously in your direction. Thumbs up and off he trots.

Fluro colors never went out of fashion for the festival bro either, just the rest of Australia. This makes them easier to spot, especially combined with their pack mentality. If you see a group of what looks like everything you’re ashamed of wrapped in bright construction tape, it’s probably a ‘bro-heard’. It’s pretty likely one or more of them know how shuffle, but it’s not essential. If the dedicated ‘pack shuffler’ does break out, expect the other dudes to act like it didn’t go out of fashion, similar to their fluro clothing approach. It’s also common for them to have ‘she-bros’ in the pack, which are females who are attracted to this particular specimen of festival party-goer. Not much needs to be said about her given the blatant display of attraction she puts on towards such a poor subset of human being, but she will have thick Dior’s on (same style as many of the dudes are wearing).

We recommend avoiding contact with festival bro’s at all costs. True deterrents have not yet been established, but one could assume pale skin, lack of muscles and non-dubstep audio will all play a big part in their avoidance of you.

Categories: Short & Sharp
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