Hi, my name is Christian and my mum thinks I’m employable. I really need a job because Centrelink are assholes and won’t give me money to watch Youtube in my underwear. Also, Sam won’t pay me to write funny articles for his website so I’m really strapped for cash. I have an expensive cashew nut addiction that I need to finance, and cashews ain’t getting any cheaper. So here’s my fucking resume.
– I’ve been told I write good facebook statuses. Usually I just say fuck a few times and people get on board. It’s an old literary technique not many people fucking know about. The fucking thing about it is that you fucking have to be fucking subtle about it or the dumb fucks will fucking catch on and it’ll fucking get fucking old. Fuck.
– I’ve live-tweeted several major events, the last being my grandfather’s wedding #grandadswedding. So like if your company needs a business meeting or a water cooler conversation live-tweeted, I’m your man.
– Old people seem to like me. I have ADHD so I just zone out when they ramble on.
– I’m not ugly, but at the same time I’m not good looking; so I’m not going to be a distraction either way.
– I get aroused by autumn. Foliage just really gets me going. So I probably shouldn’t work through those months unless you want to see me wanking off in a pile of leaves.
– I use Internet Explorer.
– I’ve forgotten how a pen and paper works.
– I’m not very good on Microsoft Word either.
- 2003 – Learned how to tie a sailor’s knot.
- 2004 – Forgot how to tie a sailor’s knot. Became sufficient in the double granny knot.
- 2008 – Found out what Arabian Goggles are.
- 2009 – Received a fake online medical degree.
- 2011 – Studied journalism then realised journalism is for cunts.
- 2061 – Got a masters degree in robot fighting.
- 1992 – I was a fetus for a while.
- 1993 – Professional pants shitter.
- 2009 – I did canteen duty once for my football club. This one is actually on my real resume.
- 2011 – Worked in a bar for a week but nobody ever came to this bar and I broke a glass so they subtly fired me by just not giving me shifts any more. Sneaky fuckers.
- 2012 – I used to write funny articles for this website but now I just write stupid fucking pretend resumes because I’ve run out of ideas. Also, I’m broke.
- 2012 – Working for you, you smart, beautiful and well paying person!
- 2070 – King of the post apocalyptic world. It could happen. Shut up.
So in conclusion, I’d really appreciate if you gave me a fucking job, or maybe I could be your personal monkey and do funny things for you and wank you off if need be. But don’t expect me to courteous or friendly or sober. Or at work ever. Fuck.
Your mum: She gave me 5 stars. And syphilis.
David Stratton: He disagreed and gave me 2 and a half stars. He thought my dialogue was too forced. And went on for too long.