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Report: People Struggling To See 50 Shades Of Grey Without ‘Checking In’ To Movie Theater

50 Shades Of Grey, the most talked about movie of the year and a cinematic reincarnation of that low budget porno you found in your parent’s top drawer when you were five, is currently causing huge increases in the number of Foursquare check ins at movie theaters across Australia.

There’s been a lot happening during the screenings of 50 Shades. There was a fight between three people, where one victim was stabbed or bottled (everyone had a different opinion on what happened because it occurred in Glasgow and everyone was drunk), there were soiled cucumbers found by cleaning staff in an unknown location, and an English broad vomited and shit herself during a screening and made such an impact on the confined space that everyone had to be evacuated.

Though there’s also been a lot of uneventful screenings, where a bunch of people just shift around awkwardly and don’t make much eye contact. These screenings are filled with old housewives who pretend they’re just ‘seeing what all the fuss is about’ and young girls who say things like “he could whip me any day” in-between sipping vodka cruisers and putting filters on selfies they took in Supre change rooms.

One thing that’s remained consistent, however, is people’s incessant need to check into the cinema whenever they’re seeing the movie. Like a right of passage, ‘checking in’ to ’50 Shades of Grey’ with bae or boo or whatever you call the poor carcass you’ve dragged along is bordering on compulsory.

Why? I have no idea.

I can’t stand the thought of my mum or sister or any immediate relatives staring at the clamps and whips and those small cat nip scratches on Christian Grey’s sculpted chest. Unfortunately, that thought will permeate my mind via the inevitable Foursquare check in.

Categories: Short & Sharp
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