People Who Say Swag Die Young

Swag has been used in mainstream media for a very long time. It’s a 1976 crime novel, a UK TV series, a magazine published by the Catholic Priests of Australia, the eleventh episode in the Ugly Betty TV show and even a term used in architecture. These days however, it’s what ‘cool people‘ use to describe their appearance and style. Popularised by rap artists like Tyler The Creator, the term has quickly become the centerpiece of a new breed in tween lingo. Due to its massive rise in widespread usage, we could only assume that this is perhaps the worlds first text-based drug, a 4 letter word that is slowly killing the kids who use it. That’s right ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, saying swag is the equivalent of using cocaine, and if you continue to do so – inevitably you will die from heart complications.

After an extensive scientific study, in which we implemented no scientific methods, it was noted that 1 in every 3 swag users experienced an irregular heart beat after just 2 months ‘on the swag’. This was frightening in the outset, but we slowly came to realise that complications were much more vast. Issues surrounding blood pressure, alcohol consumption, drug use and societal difficulties were far more serious and were displayed in 40% of people. Swag users would distance themselves from their families, take more drugs and show general disconnect from any regular social patterns. In turn, like any recreational drugs, swag users would bond together and socialise in ‘swag dens’, categorised as small surburban homes generally with parents who were away or worked out of town. It was in this setting that they thrived, talked about hood life and listened to their swag god – Tyler The Creator. As their addiction to swag increased, less and less mattered to them. 20% of people in the study quit their jobs, and of this subset, 90% did so to take up a career in rap.

Further testing is necessary to gauge the long term effects of ‘getting swagged’, but evidently its a new and innovative drug curated by some of the most dangerous and experienced lyricist-chemists around the world. If the epidemic continues to spiral out of control, there is no question that the use of swag will be regulated. With potential jail time for the addicted, unemployed users who can’t kick the habit, will they continue on their rampant path of swag use, or will they return to their normal state?


Categories: Short & Sharp
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