LOTR meme references aside, seriously, how do I grow up? Everyone seems to have ended up in long term relationships, being mature and passing their uni subjects, while I flit around stressing about the fairy lights at the weekly indie music night I run, not even bothering to pull down my ridiculously short shorts as to cover my ass. Hell, I even bite my nails (but only my left thumb). The bridge from immature as fuck teenager (LATE teen, mind you) to the twenty-somethings I admire – like the editors, writers and various other music industry people I’ve had the privilege of working with – is proving impossible to cross. My writing seems slightly more coherent than it once was, but that’s the extent of my development. In real life I’m hopelessly needy with my best friend; “Babeeeeeee I need to talk to you right now or I’m going to dieeeeee!” She is the perfect example of young people who have shit together: she’s moved to another city, has a boyfriend and is studying to be a doctor. Dammit.
Entering the halfway point of my twenties, I am cheering/hoping/violently wishing for the composure I am so clearly lacking. I can turn it on, sure, but it definitely doesn’t come naturally to me. I’d rather be spinning like a top than one of those boring compass needlepoints with a sure direction. I want to have a taste of everything there is out there and live without having to stress over the concept of ‘What if?’ Cliché, but hey, I’ve actually taken every opportunity offered to me. I work the hours I want – nothing before 11am – to my own schedule, all as I wish. But even though I’m really lucky with a lack of restrictions, there have been instances where I have simply not turned up. No phone call or pretending to be sick. No nothing. My bosses have frantically sent out the SOS call, which I purposely ignore. I’m still yet to be fired though. This is proof if you’re good at your shit you can pretty much get away with anything.
I’m heading “somewhere” I guess, but I’m not sure if I’m going fast enough. My work life is pretty bang up in order, but that’s about it. I’ve never had a great relationship with my parents, my brother hates me and my friends oscillate between coming closer to my flame and backing away once I unintentionally burn them. Boyfriends don’t exist. I mean, I’d rather be celibate than deal with all the feelings that come along with sex, because – let’s face it – someone ALWAYS catches feelings. They’re like the herp! Can’t we just fuck without that bullshit getting in the way? Plus, spending your weekends in a coma pretending to be a corpse isn’t really conducive to sexxxxxy time.
Can someone please tell me how to go from an absolutely shredded nervous wreck to a person holding some level of power? Because I can’t figure out how for myself…