Last week, Jamie, from accounts asked me to go to a motivational conference with her on the weekend, at this stage I was 2 double shot coffees deep and the caffeine chimed in, telling me it’s a fantastic idea. Before I knew it, I’d accepted, agreed to the $60 VIP upgrade and promised to drive us.
I was looking at spending my entire Saturday at this thing, from 9am till 6pm (fuck me, right?)
I prefer to always err on the jacked-up, enthusiastic side of my day – brought about by my addiction to caffeine. In this state I feel like I can do anything (even having a stranger repetitively needle my arm with a tattoo gun or having my pussy waxed raw in an act of true (caffeine induced) bravery – true story, more on that later.
This is probably a good time to mention that I’m a level 10 coffee drinker. Level 10 addicted, that is. I barely even know who I am without caffeine, although in one rare situation, I gave up for 2 weeks & turned into a meditating, sloth-like, sliver of my former self, who rarely gave a shit about anything or got anything done.
My weekend commitment to lock-down, in a 9-hr motivational seminar, reminded me of all the other ‘jacked on coffee’ scenarios I’ve found myself in:
Getting sucked in to unnecessary up-sells by clever shop assistant
Yes, I’ll have the goddamn charity water for an extra $3 and the environmentally friendly shopping bag and yes, probably all three jeans because I’ve had a double shot and I’m feeling impulsive.
The emergency shit situation
Usually hits in highly undesirable location, or at an inappropriate time (like in the work toilet during peak business, or halfway through your morning walk, no where near home).
The serial texting spree
In my caffeine induced, euphoric state I text at least three people from my phone to say something like: “HI, I HOPE YOU’RE HAVING AN AMAZING DAY” and suggest catch ups. Then, hours later when I’m bombarded with all their replies (on comedown) I think, WHY ARE YOU ALL SMOTHERING ME
Classic – flinging too-heavy hand weights round at the gym (in my monthly workout)
I get carried away thinking I’m practically an Olympic athlete and am so sore the next day I have to use the toilet wall as support, when I sit and pee, and get into the car, and just basically move from a lying down position.
I Google: “Caffeine overdose and how to reverse it”
Usually at the two-double-shots mark or more, when my pitts are profusely sweating, I’m thirstily sculling back bottles of water and I have the shakes like I’ve dropped three caps at a music festival.
Impulsively locks self into unnecessary (& expensive) appointments
Yes, the aforementioned tattoo appointment in my lunch break and after work brazilian wax (after 2 years of using other hair ridding methods). What possessed me? Being on a coffee high. Because coffee = invincible, right?
So. much. regret.
The sudden bout of caffeine rage
Occasionally (when things aren’t going to plan) caffeine makes me spit out words, aggressively. There was an occasion when I spoke inappropriately (snapped head off) nice Lawyer man at work about exactly how urgent his letter to a client was, with a hundred attachments, that I needed to collate and send 15 minutes before home time.
With enough coffee I feel as though all things are possible. Many of them are highly unlikely, but they are possible.