The Ultimate Monday Morning Pep Talk

“Mondayitis: a feeling of weariness, sadness, apathy and general distress that many of us feel when starting the Monday morning working week.”

For me, Mondayitis actually kicks in on Sunday arvo, whispering in my ear, telling me to go fuck myself

So how to avoid the emotional perils of a Monday morning? Besides moving to the Netherlands (where they average a 29-hour work week)

BASTARDS

I give myself a Jordan Belfort style (Wolf of Wall Street) pep talk – on all the things that don’t suck about Monday’s and when that ‘Woe is me, I hate Monday’ track starts to echo again, throughout my subconscious, I replay my pep talk some more and chug back a double shot coffee.

Because, lets face it, that’s pretty much your only option. We can’t all be like Leo and neck Quaaludes, Adderral and cocaine to get us by.

Focus on what doesn’t suck today and cram more of the little ‘FCK YEAH!’ moments into your day. After all, only you control how many of them you cram into your day – or don’t.

I know, it’s hard, so I’ll start you off with a couple things that don’t completely suck about Monday’s:

• First things first, taking yourself down to the nearest coffee shop and ordering yourself a double shot coffee. A (properly made), strong coffee is basically cocaine in this scenario.
• Jump on Insta (which should be easy for you given your probable social media addiction – its okay, me too) and brainwash yourself with all the motivational/positivity gurus who are starting their weekly posting spree. What you focus your attention on, you create more of – Law of Attraction and all. So don’t dilly dally around being devo that its Monday.
• Google: ‘funny boxer dog videos’ and periodically flick over to them when no one’s looking. See these floppy-eared, dopey legends having a great time, it’ll remind you that there is good in the world after all.
• If you’re weekend plans got you feeling as broke as a first year uni student – then you can rest assured, knowing that Monday won’t demand any money from you. At least being at work is free, in fact, your making money to sit there and work. Remember that. You’re getting richer by the minute
• My mum cooks me dinner on Monday’s. We’ve agreed on a trade of services, I bless her with my company and provide her with emotional support, she cooks for me and makes my Monday that little bit less shitty. Who can you blackmail into cooking for you?
• Keep a caffeinated pre workout drink on hand, for that afternoon slump when your morning coffee’s worn off. Like Define8… Yeah, it’s a pre-workout, so technically you’re supposed to drink it before hitting the gym… but I’ve found a better use for it here.
• I don’t know about you, but my internet connection generally sucks at home. At least at work I can efficiently scroll through social media from the comfort of my air-conditioned office
• Treat yourself to lunch (yeah, I buy myself lunch every Monday to make it that little bit less suckey)
• Pre-work morning activities. I may offend some of you when I suggest this, but I drag myself out of bed at 5am so I have exactly 2 hours to cram in my ‘morning activities’ before skipping off to work. I write, I exercise, I laugh at funny facebook shit, I read some genius trash by some legend writers, I watch videohits on the big screen, to psych me up for work.
• When its over, I know I’m going home to a lazy Netflix and chill sesh and an overexcited, needy boxer dog, who will make me feel like a champion for making it through the day.

That’s all I got. God’s speed.