I Found This Thing In My Room

The other day I was cleaning up my apartment and I found the above creation under my bed, hereafter referred to as the ‘wheat bread combo’. I have no recollection of when it was made or why the hell the remnants ended up on a plate under my bed, but it goes without saying alcohol played a large part in the equation. After a night out on the drink, a return to my kitchen is generally accompanied by some sort of wild Anthony Bourdain alter-ego, dreaming up culinary delights that will dull the pain of the following morning as best as possible. Unfortunately, my ambition far exceeds my talent, which is why a week or so later I’m taking a photo of a dank half eaten sandwich and writing about how shit I am at life on here. Before we get into the dynamics of the ‘wheat bread combo’, I’d like to point the finger at Man Vs Food. That idiot eats so much shit one could never find in Australia. This in mind, I have no choice but to try and make it when alcohol has stripped any concern of my health, weight, blood pressure or general well being.

When I found the wheat bread combo, I knew I must have been plastered during its construction. It wasn’t the blatant excess of ingredients that gave it away, nor was it the fact I’d buttered the outside of the bread, or even just how big the darn thing was. No, no, no. It was the fact that, despite hating them, the wheat bread combo was lathered up with pickles. I fucking hate pickles, so I can only assume drunk me had decided sober me was a pussy and drunk me was going to thank him for the extra flavor. Wrong. I’d clearly picked them off. The only time I experience pickles is when I’m watching Adam Richman scoff down a 10 pound burger in some restaurant in Texas while he talks about how succulent the slow cooked patties are. Even then they are unappealing. On the topic of salad, I could see remnants of onion, tomato, sundried tomato, cucumber, lettuce, carrot, beetroot, olives and something that resembled capsicum. Parts of the salad construction were so mushed together its impossible to confirm or deny if I’d vomited during the consumption of the wheat bread combo.

The leftovers showed small fragments of bacon and steak that had escaped my garbage disposal of a mouth, suggesting that the combo salad I’d piled on top of my bread wasn’t enough to satisfy my hunger. I might have even added chicken, who knows. Add the cheese and bread and you’ve got 14 ingredients that went into my mouth in a space of time I’ll never even remember. Oh, and the condiments. A white substance was clearly visible on the plate, which worried me cause the mayo in my fridge had been out of date since January. Drunk me fails again. After doing my best to eat it all, drunk me had shamefully hidden it under my bed out of fear of retribution from sober me. In the time it went unnoticed, wheat bread combo had solidified completely and the bread was starting to grow some weird ass moss shit on it. As is evident from the photo to the left, the array of toppings and condiments could not be shaken off if one tried, glued together by an excessive amount of (potentially out of date) sauce drunk me had used.

That ‘drunk me’ guy is real trouble. He’ll probably try and make this again next time he comes out to play.

Categories: Short & Sharp
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