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How To Trick A Bogan

Living in Australia, dealing with bogans is inevitable. While they are not limited to this beautiful nation, our cultural climate is the perfect breeding ground for their overtly offensive, ‘behind the times’ character traits. Bogan encounters are commonplace, and over time many will develop coping mechanisms to dull the pain of interacting with them, but there are a few tricks to really wrap them up. More often than not, you’ll run into a bogan at a social event, perhaps a BBQ, function or birthday party. God forbid you cross their path on Australia day, the holy grail of boganism, but this is very much a possibility. This articles sole intention is to make you most prepared to cope, regardless of the circumstance, with the often awkward and draining encounters. Next time Davo pulls you up at the neighbors Bar Mitzvah and tells you that he thinks Jews should ‘go back to were they came from’ and admits to pissing in the fruit punch, think of the four tips below to shut him down and get out of there fast!

01. USE BIG WORDS
If you want a surefire way to get out of the conversation quick, your first step is big words. Given the baseline intelligent you’re dealing with, don’t stress too much if you don’t consider yourself a wordsmith. Bogans are like any other human, being in that they will feel socially awkward if the conversation begins to get away from them. Luckily for you, by the time you’ve used the word ‘constitute’ once and ‘developed’ twice, they’ve developed a full blown migraine and are losing energy faster than Kyle Sandilands on a treadmill. To close the deal, just prod around a little longer, drop a few more three syllable bad boys and the bogan will be out of there quicker than he downs a XXXX on a Friday night. If you find the bogan clinging on for dear life, move on to step 02.

02. TALK ABOUT DANCE MUSIC
90% of bogans fucking hate dance music, and if you’re with the rare 10% subset who enjoy it, chances are their knowledge spreads only as far as David Guetta’s 2010 track ‘Sexy Bitch’. We suggest bringing up a modern, relevant topic within the EDM realm. If you delve into artists in a niche genre, they will get bored so quickly they won’t even have time to make up an excuse to leave. If you find the bogan biting and enjoying the conversation, go underground. Its common knowledge that bogans believe mainstream music is for ‘pooftas’ and underground music is for ‘fucking gays’, so its likely that prodding around the latter of the two categories will give him some level of frustration. I can’t see a bogan enjoying anything by Frank Ocean, so have a yab about him and see how things go. If he’s still lingering around, its time to crank it up a notch.

03. REFRAIN FROM CONSUMING ALCOHOL
There is nothing a bogan hates more than drinking with someone who’s sober. In his mind, all sober people are losers who wet the bed and listen to Drake while having bubble baths. It’s likely that soon after he notices you without a drink, he’ll offer you one. When you politely decline, he’ll instantly put you into the ‘boring fuck at the party I should avoid’ category. From here on out, you can have a little fun as you watch his tiny brain decipher his most plausible method of escape. Its likely he’ll just end up telling you he needs to go take a shit or ‘call the missus’, but whatever the outcome, this method has put the ball in his court. Hopefully you’re now talking to a more intelligent individual who doesn’t enjoy telling you about how he firebombed a 7/11 last Australia day, but if not – step 04.

04. CHECK YOUR EMAILS ON YOUR PHONE
Given you’re probably talking to a guy with a Nokia 3315, him simply watching you use the touch screen on your iPhone is going to be confusing as all hell. As he wonders what the fuck you’re trying to wipe off your screen, we suggest you check your emails. This works on a two fold basis. Firstly, he’s suddenly considering the possibility that you’re actually holding a computer, given his certainty that’s the only way you can check emails. Second up, the bogan has to consider the possibility that you might be someone important, since the only time he has checked his emails in the last 2 years was during the sign up stage of ‘Boars & Babes’ premium. As you watch confusion sweep over his bewildered face, its likely he’ll down his beer and seek alternate company.

If after all this, you’re still in his company, perhaps he’s not a bogan. If your positive he is, tell him you hate Pauline Hanson, rum, southern cross tattoos, Commodores, meat lovers pizza and rugby league. He’ll probably punch you in the face, but the conversation will be over before you can say ‘Aussie pride’.

Categories: Short & Sharp