Photo via capturingmoments
Sunday is our official national day of Australia. On this day in 1788, a fleet of British convict ships led by our first governor, Arthur Phillip, sailed into the wild shores of Sydney cove and claimed it theirs. Now, over two centuries later and on the brink of a neknominate annihilation, the humble Australian bogan proudly shines his esky and sharpens his BBQ tools, preparing to stagger his half-naked tribal-tattooed body down a beach flanked by his identical cronies, making misinformed, prejudiced statements along the way. Since the first settlement, Australia, as well as the rest of the world, has come a long way in terms of education, medicine, equal rights, economic and technologic progress, but don’t be surprised if you wake up on Monday morning to a burning, post-apocalyptic Australia destroyed by jaeger bombs and amphetamine-fuelled riots. Despite that eerie prediction, here’s how to experience Australia Day:
I’m going to start with the obvious: Have a good old-fashioned BBQ. Grease it up and cook one of every animal on it. Drink beer out of the keg. Smoke too many durries. Piss in front of/on your friends. Fuck someone on a sandy Australian flag while filming it on SnapChat.
Briefly become internet-famous. There’s sure to be plenty of opportunity/binge drinking so get your taste of interweb fame and be a participant in a viral YouTube video. You can do almost anything for the camera to get those mindless lols – get caught illegally waiting for a mate, jump off a high-rise building into a bucket of water, light your eyes on fire, drink so many bottles of spirits in 90 seconds that alcohol will be banned in several states of Australia following the video.
It’s important to remember our heritage. We’re a land settled by petty thieves and cruel bigots and – wait, no. Actually, don’t remember our heritage. Our heritage sucks.
Acknowledge our indigenous population. Aboriginal culture has only been largely included in the celebrations since the early 90’s after the first Aboriginal-lead “Invasion Day” in 1988. If you see an Aboriginal on Australia Day, remind them about all the good things white people introduced them to, such as modern medicine and education, high-rises, alcohol, smallpox, cruel authority, Australian citizenships and identity crises.
Don’t go clubbing. And if you do, stay inside the bar until buses start running again or you get sexually assaulted by the bouncer. With Barry O’Farrell’s clever new laws in place there will be a lot of angry drunks pillaging the streets looking for vulnerable human punching bags to vent their rage at being locked out at 1.30, so try to stay indoors. Laws are made to protect people, so stay far, far away from them.
Practice some ye old tradition. I know what you’re thinking: “But I’m drinking as fast as I can and I’ve culled at least two native tribes already!” But drinking and race-related crimes are not our only national pastimes: Play a game of cricket. The first Australian cricket team was made up entirely of Aboriginals and toured the country from 1866–67. I’m not sure why they were allowed time off from getting killed and raped, but I guess our European ancestors were just as reluctant to play the sport as we are.
So, what are you waiting for? Show off that Southern Cross pride and enjoy Straya Day, cunts.
Written by Hannah Hawkins