I’m not sure why this notion still begs debate: dogs are more loyal, claw you less, aren’t stupid lying traitors, and can – in some circumstances – actually protect you if your knife-brandishing ex-partner tries to stab you in the thought. Yet for some unknown reason, some people still believe cats reign supreme. These people, in no uncertain terms, are liars.
Cat advocates are the kind of people who steal from their frail grandmother and buy drugs that they don’t share evenly with their friends. Speculative? Yes. True. Sure – why not? They also attend cat support groups on Saturday evenings, while dog lovers are out partying, knowing their faithful companion will patiently wait at home for their return, rather than fleeing the abode in search of someone (read: anyone) who has food they can survive off.
I’ve owned both a cat and a dog. My dog was a Maltese Shihtzu and my cat was a piece of shit. And for the purpose of clarity, I will let you know now that this article will bear no disclaimer or sweet ending: cat’s are fucked. So leave me some kind of wild rebuttal on why no animal is anything other than a gift from God, or crucify me for telling the truth: I care less about your opinion than your cat cares about you.
But don’t just take my entirely true, near-scientific opinion for it. There’s proof dogs are better than their feline counterparts. Here’s a brief rundown:
Dogs keep you fit.
Unless you’re one of those batshit insane morons who walk their cat around on a leash, owning a feline doesn’t zero for your physical health. On the contrary, dogs require walks, which means you require walks, and walks mean you become healthier and less likely to die of a heart attack on the floor of a suburban Hungry Jacks.
Dogs make you friends.
While you’re out walking, beautiful people talk to you because you have a beautiful dog. If you’re walking a cat, people avoid you, or take sly photos on their phone so they can tell their Snapchat followers just how ‘totally zany and wild their morning has been.
Cats kill native animals, dogs save them.
Dogs are trained to do all kinds of cool things. Perhaps the coolest trait is Tucker’s, a black lab who’s been trained to sniff out whale feces, allowing researchers to track pollution data affecting the majestic creators. Cats can only sniff out tinned cat food, and on that topic, so can the rest of the house. Gross.
Dogs are loyal as fuck.
Nothing else to be said here.
Dogs make you laugh, are your best friend.
Unlike cats, who have talents extending not far beyond licking their own privates and scratching you when they feel like it, dogs make their owners laugh and live happily, more fulfilled lives. Just because they rule in general, you know?