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Days I’ve Spent With Mary Jane

Photo by Julia Eden

The life of a struggling 19-year-old unemployed student is a tough one, but hardly as much as a full-time $70k a year 26-year-old female with an over-zealous spending habit. I have big dreams for 2013, but they aren’t exactly easily attainable when you’re restricted to $50 for the first three weeks of the year. Luckily, due to a strange set of occurrences, I was in possession of a pleasant little amount of the wonderful herb and had almost a whole Saturday to myself. So what goes with being broke? Being high.The lead up to the first toke is a big deal. Being showered, comfortably dressed and within reach of a gallon of liquid is a good start. Having an idea of what you would ‘like’ the day to entail is another. So, to paint a picture, I’ve lined myself up with TJ Hooker and a bottle of chilled lemon water, and I’ve already had a panic about the whereabouts of the lighter. I’m now high…

Things I’ve thought about…

Spell check is good for activities like this.
What my hairstyle would be if I lived in the 80s.
If there is a competitor equivalent to Google.
Not reading back on what I’ve written so I can tally how many times I fucked up.
I fucking hate the cricket.
What the ACTUAL fuck is this?
I genuinely want to watch Les Misrables.
How much of a hindrance spell check is for my tally.
Where is my life going?
Helping D E N A get famous, like, Grimes famous.
Azealia definitely got her Atlantis video clip idea from this article.
Will people take my status update seriously?
Even my phone is against me.. popping up with a little notification “Time to check on your savings goals?”
How ultimately awesome DMXs voice is.
I just realised I was watching a fishing show.
Should I go on Polyvore and create some outfits?

Stuff I’ve Googled

80s hairstyles.
Best ninja films
TJ Hooker where are they now?
Rza’s favourite samurai films (reference/refer to them tomorrow)
Shaolin
Fat Albert theme song
How can you get acrylic off
Natalie Portman’s boobs
Family Guy women are bitches
Definition of convoluted

Stuff I’ve watched

The Wedding Singer clips
Maxnosleeves
How to do cornrows for beginners + like another 6
XXYYXX
D E N A – Cash, Diamond Rings, Swimming Pools
Diamond thebody
Exposed: Satanism in the Industry
Danny Seth – Woop. Twice.
Kitty Pryde & Riff Raff – Orion’s Belt
High School High
Road Trip
SATC Season 4 x 5 episodes

Stuff I’ve eaten

A slightly overcooked hot dog with red onion, lettuce and tomato sauce
One delicious green apple
Italian biscotti
Two pieces of avo toast, complete with s, p and l
More italian biscotti
A Golden Gaytime
1 x large KFC chips
Half a slab of lasagne
Half a mango, coconut and macadamia Weiss Bar
Half a Milo icecream
3 wine bottles of water
1 bottle of Mount Franklin

Amount of times I’ve forgot what I was doing

5

Amount of times I’ve ashed on the keyboard

9

Amount of times I’ve wrote something that didn’t make sense

12
I feel that lining myself up with TJ Hooker first contributed to a lot of my Google searches and thought processes. I managed to get my hands on Rza’s favourite Samurai film, Shogun Assassin, thanks to the excessive ninja scenes in TJ Hooker. I then went on a ‘hairdressers guide to the 80s’ adventure which led to Flock of Seagulls and then The Wedding Singer clips. Despite being all neggy about money and life, I found hobby/money making inspiration from YouTube with the mesmerising ass jiggles of Diamond thebody and learning how to do proper cornrows (watch this space!). There was a period after the Exposed: Satanism in the Industry doco where the paranoia kicked in and I really started freaking out and questioning everything, so I had a nap amongst the crumbs and woke up feeling substantially less than wonderful.  Looking back, I came across some pretty good film clips and musicians, not to mention I saw Natalie Portmans bewbs… However, had I taken the Fat Albert path, there may have been some twisted but grim consequences. If you’ve read this far and you’re expecting some massive marijuana-induced breakthrough, sucks to be you because the only conclusion I came to was that I’m now out of weed.

Written by Blair Roche

Categories: Short & Sharp
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